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Kim Kardashian Vs. Kate Middleton

VS.

Both these broads are due sometime in June or July. How is that even possible? Unless Kim is secretly giving birth to twin warthogs, I just can’t understand how there’s that big of a difference. Like I get that your belly gets big. But why is Kim’s thighs and arms and feet and shit pregnant? She’s just grown into a monstrous, monstrous human. Meanwhile Kate Middleton is the only woman in the history of the world who has made being pregnant look kinda sexy. Like I’m on the record saying I think pregnant women are absolutely disgusting. I don’t think they are glowing. I don’t think they are beautiful. I think they’re fat and weird. But Kate Middleton looks unreal there. Sexier than like 90% of the women in this world not carrying another human inside them.

How pissed must Kim be? She’ll probably have Kanye’s devil child, inevitably get divorced from that asshole, never lose her pregnancy weight, and effectively ruin her own life. Princess Kate will go back to being like 110 pounds and life a life of eternal luxury and privacy because she has some fake job of being royalty. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and one went fat and black and the other went skinny and hot.