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Here Are All The 10 People You'll See On Social Media Today For Valentine's Day


1. Girl whose boyfriend sends flowers to the office

For chicks the best part of getting flowers at work isn’t actually getting flowers at work.  It’s telling people she got flowers at work.  Letting all her Facebook friends know how PERFECT her boyfriend is and what BEAUTIFUL flowers he sent her.   Like hey look at me!  My flowers are bigger than your flowers.  It’s like female cuckholding.

2. Guy who is so happy he’s met the love of his life

This guy is the worst. Always has a wicked aggressive status like “Dear (girlfriend), I want you to know how happy I am to have met you. Everyday I realize how blessed my life is. Thank you for not only teaching me how to love, but how to be loved.” Jesus Christ dude, we get it. You girlfriend doesn’t suck your dick and you’re really trying to swing a BJ tonight. Take it down a notch before everyone is convinced that you boycott Chick-Fil-A.

3. #SingleAwarenessDay

Typically dudes. Usually meathead shit like “Can’t wait to see all the hot sluts at the bar tonight on #singleawareness day!!!” “Dude it’s Desperation Day! Let’s get wild!” Take it easy, bro. The single girls today are the same single girls who aren’t giving you the time of day the other 364 days of the year.

4.The Happy Couple

They’re so happy that they need everyone to know how happy they are. It’s the absolute worst form of PDA. Writing on each others wall and attaching each other in statuses and shit. Hey if you guys are so in love then you’ve swapped cell phone numbers by now. Try texting. I’d rather watch a couple full on make out in public than see them exchange “LOVE you baby! So excited for tonight! Xoxo” messages on their walls.

5. Chick who is Psyched to Be Single

Whatever I don’t need a man! All I need is a bottle of red and the Sex and the City box set! I’ll just eat pizza in bed all night! I feel bad for everybody who had to dress up and go out on a date tonight.   I literally saw a real status today of somebody talking about that Blade Runner dude who killed his girlfriend trying to be like “See I told you single was the way to go”.    Most of the time these chicks are typing with one hand and holding the razor blade in the other.

6. Girl who is legitimately depressed because someone broke her heart

I actually don’t see these girls that much. They’re usually silent sufferers. But I know they exist. Nonetheless I’m not even going to make fun of them because I don’t want to be named in the suicide note when they overdose tonight on Ben and Jerry’s and chocolates they bought for themselves.

7. Girl Who Asks Everybody To Be Their Valentine

This is bullshit.  I had a couple hotties ask me to be their valentine on social media.  I was like fuck yeah.  I kept waiting to get some naughty snapchat next or something.  Instead two seconds later I see them asking somebody else to be their valentine.   WTF?   It devalues the entire process.   If everybody is your valentine than nobody is your valentine.

8. Old Time Valentine’s Day Fan

Every year you get a bunch of these.  They are posting cards you used to give to your classmates in elementary school.  They are posting the candies with the sayings on them.  Just talking about old time Valentine’s Day.  I got to be honest.  I don’t hate it.

9. Guy Who Hits On All The Girls Saying They Don’t Have A Valentine

Facebook is littered with these bros.  Every time a chick posts anything about Valentines Day they clog her feed being like “that was poetic, you’re so beautiful you’ll find your soulmate,   the only thing that beats your looks is your attitude”  Just showering her with idiotic compliments hoping the conversation somehow turns into I’ll fuck you to keep you warm if it makes you feel better because I care.

10. Fucked Up Chick

I needed to round the list out.  This is an easy one.  The chick who hates being single, doesn’t give a fuck who knows and is just going to go get shithoused and wants to let everybody know about it.