Ultimate Degenerate Incapable Of Throwing Party Without Strippers And Drugs
NEW YORK CITY — 25-year-old Redditor and Villanova grad Jeffrey Theodore Rapchak (u/jtrapnyc) moved to Manhattan’s vibrant Chelsea neighborhood last summer, where he immediately found himself succumbing to the self-described “degen life” of occasionally staying up really, really late with his boys, doing drugs with his boys, looking at naked girls with his boys, and betting semi-reasonable amounts of money on sporting events with his boys. However, in the months that followed his time in the concrete jungle, the hardened wild animal saw his mere degenerate habits quickly spiral into a full-blown, rare degenerative disorder that rendered him almost completely incapable of physically functioning at social gatherings that don’t include [female] strippers and [hard] drugs.
“To re-integrate into society (lol), we are attempting to throw a ‘normal’ house party in the near future. No drugs, no drug dealers, no strippers, etc.”
Jeffrey Theodore, who’s been unsuccessfully attempting to rebrand as both “JT” and “Jeffrey Belfort” since his pledge days at Nova, desperately took to Reddit on Friday to seek out advice from regular civilians and lower-tier degenerates.
“We literally are sitting here like.. ‘Do we buy cupcakes?’ .. ‘What do we say if someone asks for cocaine’ …”
His mission: To simply throw a normal party.
His dilemma: He doesn’t know how to not be in the same general vicinity as nude, exotic dancers and strong, recreational stimulants.
His other dilemma: He doesn’t have any friends who would ever go to any of his parties.
“Me personally, I’m leaning towards just scratching the whole thing and throwing a rager.”
Despite not being “very proud of it,” Jeffrey Theodore went out of his way to weave in the fact that he is, in fact, a degenerate several times in his rhetorical post to thousands of strangers online.
“Most of these people do not know how degenerate we really are.”
The other members of Jeffrey Theodore’s “crew” (commonly referred to as “The Dirty Degens” by almost a couple different people), which includes his three roommates who each describe him as different variations of “kind of a friend I guess, but he’s definitely more of like…an acquaintance,” have admittedly never thrown any type of party, or small get-together for that matter, in their apartment. “We pretty much just chill and do our own thing,” said Jeffrey Theodore’s roommate Chris. “He’s always sending ‘what’s the move?’ and ‘where the hoes???’ texts to our group chat, but we’ve never really hung out out with him outside of the apartment.”
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“Yeah, we needed a fourth roommate, so we put an ad up on Craigslist and he replied oddly fast…like within seconds,” said Jeffrey Theodore’s other roommate Mike. “But to answer your question, no, none of us have ever partied with him.”
“He’s trying to throw a what at our apartment?” – Jeffrey Theodore’s roommate John