So KFC and Mo blogged this hypothetical scenario earlier…
You are being forced to spend the next 10 years of your life in a basement. After those 10 years, you will receive $10 mil. Your basement comes fully furnished with a good bed, sink, a toilet, a shower and a trash chute. You are also being given a bonus 30 points to spend on items/amenities that you can take with you to your basement. BONUS BONUS: If you half your $10 mil payout to $5 mil, you will receive 35 points to spend. If you reduce your payout to zero, you receive 40 points.
Editors Note: Feitleberg wrote this blog. I haven’t seen what the other bloggers did, but Feitleberg is an idiot. I refuse to let his dumb ass answers be confused for mine. This is how you do it. No debate. This is it. You take 35 points and collect 5 million instead of 10.
Hot chick to fuck – 18 points
TV – 7 pts
Gourmet Chef 9 points
Total 34 points spent. Duh. Done. Perfect score. I guess I’ll take the pool table to so I can bend over the hot chick and fuck her on it too. Mogul style. If you want to stop reading feel free, because the rest is idiotic.
Both KFC and Mo are willing to sacrifice half of their winnings because they want some totally pointless shit. Mo wants to go over the allotted 30 points because he wants a library. Who are you trying to impress dude? There is literally no one else down there. No one to try and sound all intellectual in front of talking about your fucking books. KFC is going over just so he can spend 7 points on Barry Bonds. Dude is willing to pay $500,000 a year just to be in the same room as Barry Bonds. Absolutely crazy.
What you need is this:
Full Kitchen (6 points): I love good food. But I never cook it because I never have the time or the energy. Lock me up in a basement for 10 years with a bunch of Cuisinarts and a stocked pantry and I’ll be whipping up dishes that make Emeril’s food taste as bland as Natalie Portman’s pussy (I bet Natalie Portman has a wicked boring pussy. I’d kill my mom to hook up with Portman but I still jut get the feeling it’s very nondescript.)
Weight Room (5 points): Full kitchen with all kinds of healthy shit and a bunch of weights? I’ll come out of this hole looking like a fucking Adonis. Then I’ll bang all the 18 year old smokes I want because I’ll be a ripped millionaire who didn’t have to go crazy living with an 18 year old chick for 10 years. You know how you’re always like “oh if I went to prison I’d just get ripped”? Well this is the same thing but with less broomsticks shoved up your ass.
Skylight (2 points): Need my Vitamin D son. Don’t want to come out of my hole all pale and pasty. Seen Homeland? Brody was U-G-L-Y.
TV (7 points): All the cable channels and all the premium packages. It’s perfect. Don’t need any movies or books or anything. Got everything I need with premium cable. I’ll just wait the extra few years when a good book comes out. Wait for them to make a movie then wait for the movie to come on video then wait for HBO. All in all it will be about 3 or 4 years of waiting but I never have to worry about spoilers because I LIVE IN A FUCKING HOLE.
Tobacco (4 points): this one was hard because it was between drugs booze and dip. Dip wins in the end because if I’m bored all I do is dip and I have a feeling I’d be bored a lot over that decade. Plus I’m not a hardcore alcoholic. Drinking by myself isn’t fun. I’m a social drinker who’s very social. I got not need to be swilling whiskey by myself in a dark room. And drugs? I guess pills would be fun and I could just Rip van Winkle my 10 year bid but that would get in the way of my intense training program I’d be doing there. Tins it is.
Hygiene (3 points): I like my own crotch rot as much as the next guy but you can only put up with it for so long before infections and general uncomfortableness become an issue.
And that’s it. 27 points. Yeah I’m leaving 3 points on the table. Know why? Because fuck him, that’s why.
I could have taken a cellphone but I don’t like talking to people so I really don’t see the need for it. I go months without talking to my friends all the time. What’s a decade? Half probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone. I could have a doctor but I already mentioned that I’ll be getting shredded so what do I need him for? To tell me what great shape I’m in? No thanks, got a mirror for that. A garden with a greenhouse? Listen just because I said living with an 18 year old girl would drive me insane doesn’t mean I’m going to be all gay and gardening and shit. I don’t want any of that. Just give me what I asked for and take your three extra points and shove them up your ass.
And have my 10 million waiting when I get out. Big check. Gilmore style. Or else I’ll have to flex on you.