Report: Old People are Having Way More Sex Than You Think

SourceChances are that you couldn’t – or still can’t – imagine your parents having sex.

But … [n]early three-quarters of men and women aged 57-64 are sexually active, according to the New England Journal of Medicine, while more than half of those 64-74 are still having sex. More than a quarter of those of you 75 or older are doing it too. …

All of which is why it’s time today to talk sex – with experts – for men and women 55 and over.

Of course, aging means physical changes for men and women, which often makes sex more of a challenge than in the past.

Unless you’ve been sealed in a media-free bubble for the last few years, you won’t be surprised to learn that the top issue for men is performance. …

For older women, the top issues include vaginal dryness and lack of elasticity, waning sexual desire and menopause – and such non-physical issues that also affect men, like the stresses of work and family.

While there may not be a magic blue Viagra-equivalent pill for women over 55, “there are treatment options,” says Middletown-based gynecologist Florence Jean-Louis.

Take that, Millennials.

Next time you’re stuck visiting Nana at the nursing home on her birthday, or they drag your great uncle with his pants hitched up to his armpit and the Scally cap to hide his liver spots to your graduation party, they don’t need your sympathy. You might think they’re pathetic because they can’t remember your name, work the remote or figure out how to put mom’s number into their phone. But the reason they can’t do simple tasks is because they’ve got more important things on their mind: How much crazy sex they’re having.

You heard me. Baby Boomers are banging at an alarming rate. I mean, I’m not. I won’t lie to you. But even what’s left of the Greatest Generation is getting more ass than a public toilet seat. Where traditionally sex for people in their 70s was like shooting pool with a rope, thanks to modern medicine – Viagara, Cialis, Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice – these coots have all the wood they need. And they’re not filling all those free hours they have in retirement by watching “Golden Girls.”

And would I know? For starters, I’ve done a lot of promotional appearances for my books (Ching and Ka-Ching) at wealthy, upscale assisted living facilities, because old people love guest speakers and buy books by the case. And the staff members at these places all tell me that on a nightly basis it’s like Motley Crue’s hotel in there. Old ladies going from room to room. Couples swapping. A different partner every night. These old timers realize they’re standing in their own graves, essentially. And they’re not about to spend their time in God’s Great On-Deck Circle playing Bingo.

As an added bonus, women are living a lot longer than their husbands, so if you’re a guy who can stay one step ahead of The Reaper, you can play out the string putting up Charlie Sheen numbers. That alone might be the incentive you need to cut back on the smoking and Bacon Double Cheeseburgers. It’s delayed gratification for sure, but your payoff awaits.

Second, I’ve got a friend who’s an Assistant District Attorney and her area is sex crimes. I can’t imagine what kind of eye-burning, soul-destroying evidence she’s had to look at that she’ll never be able to unsee. But one such exhibit was a video of an orgy among a bunch of 70- and 80-year-olds. For real. I never did find out what the crime was. Though frankly, if a video orgy among a bunch of 70- and 80-year-olds in and of itself is against the law, that would be just fine with me.

The bottom line is that these old bags are doing it more than they were when they were young and certainly doing it a hell of a lot more than younger people are today. Just keep that in mind grandma and grandpa are falling asleep in their chairs in front of “Jeopardy!” at 7:45.