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Oklahoma Man Receives 8 Inch Threatening Dildo In The Mail

Huff Po – Someone sent Ralph Polnicky a threatening dildo — and now he wants to get his hands on the culprit. The 8-inch dildo has the phrases, “Ralph Is A D***” and “Tractor Supply. Don’t Come Back” written in a black. The Sparks, Okla., resident believes the unwanted gift was sent after an incident in October at the Tractor Supply Company in nearby Shawnee. “They botched an order in October,” Polnicky, a retired Vietnam vet, told The Huffington Post. “I ordered a 250-foot spool of bungee cord and didn’t get it for weeks — even though they had it in stock.” Polnicky claims he had words with the assistant managers and one of them yelled “Get out and don’t come back!” Polnicky said he received a package on Feb. 15 without a return address that contained the “threatening dildo.” “My wife was shocked,” he admitted. “She wondered, ‘What’s going on?’ Worse, she feared what was going to happen next.”  Polnicky has been trying to figure out who sent him the offending sex toy. He’s been unable to get fingerprints from the dildo “It had touched too many hands,” he admitted. Polnicky believes, however, the culprit was the one who yelled “Get out!” “Whoever sent it has a very unusual writing style, writing their “O’s” as diamonds,” he said. At first, Polnicky said he wanted an apology from the company, a nationwide chain with nearly 1,200 locations. Now, he wants the culprit to be fired, which is putting him at odds with his wife.

I think I read about this once in a Hardy Boys novel. The Hardy Boys in…The Case Of the Mysterious Dildo. It totally gave me a raging clue. So many people had handled that rubber dick that finger prints couldn’t be matched. The trail almost went cold. But the big break in the case came when the Hardy Boys went to the Tractor Supply Company with a box full of fake cocks. Every employee had to write “Ralph is a dick, Don’t Come Back!” on the dildos and they were able to match the diamond shape O’s to the assistant manager. My clue almost ripped right through my pants.

The best part is the wife worried about what was going to happen next. Like maybe next week a 12 inch dildo was going to come in the mail. And then a 14 incher. And then after that a whole fucking Sybian Machine was delivered to the house! The horror! The humanity!

PS – You gotta have a little bit of a deathwish to send a dildo to a ‘Nam vet, no? If I fought a bunch of Viet-congs and lost my friends and brothers only to live in a country where I get bombarded by fake dicks in the mail, you better believe I’m going John Rambo on motherfuckers.