If You Like Hosting Sex Parties You Might Want To Buy This Penthouse For $13.5 Million

Carl4/24/2019 10:04 PM

Crains – A full-floor penthouse on Lake Shore Drive with sweeping views of Lake Michigan just hit the market for $13.5 million.
The unit is comprised of 8,800 square feet of interior space and 1,135 square feet of terrace space. It has six bedrooms, eight bathrooms, several living and dining areas, a wine cellar, game and media rooms and an office.
White Lodging chairman and CEO Bruce White and his wife, Beth purchased the unit as raw space in 2005 and moved in after it underwent a custom build-out in 2007.
The Whites are selling the unit because they’re relocating to their ranch in Wyoming, Brush Creek Ranch, and no longer need an apartment in Chicago.
Last year, a 10,000 square-foot condo in the No. 9 Walton in the Gold Coast sold for $12.1 million. In 2015, a buyer linked to film producer George Lucas, husband of Chicago businesswoman Mellody Hobson, paid $18.8 million for a 65th-floor penthouse at 800 N. Michigan Ave.

Everyone knows I love touring super rich internet mansions. It’s well documented.

Today I’m going one step fancier and looking at this penthouse, which is defined as the floor in the building that’s out of everyone else’s price range. AKA right in my motherfucking wheelhouse. Let’s get moving.

Curb Appeal

Curb appeal is meh at best and that’s generous. No revolving door. No extremely professional doorman in black tie dress. Nothing to say Hey the people inside are way better than you so keep moving because you don’t belong.

It’s an understated sense of rich.

Personally if I’m going to be balling out I need to maximize the amount of people who know about it which is why I want fireworks when you walk up to my penthouse condo. Like actual fireworks. Not bottlerockets or sparklers. I’m talking Hammer Of Thunder on repeat until the door closes. That applies for both coming and going, rain or shine.

$90 for a banger intro/outro when you’re already spending $13.5M is chump change.

Don’t be a chump. Blow some shit up and head inside:

Lobby:

That’s actually the inside of the Vatican Secret Archives.

I couldn’t find any pictures of communal entryways to 840 N Lake Shore Drive so we’re left to assume it’s extremely exclusive so just use your big brains. You’re going to need it if you want to afford this place

$60,144 in annual property taxes means not only are you a big swining dick, you’re giving back to the community in the process.

Let’s see what you get for all that money:

Entryway

Idk how we got here because like I said the listing is light on details so let’s just assume you took a fancy elevator that only opens to your floor and has no buttons. You just step in and boom you’re on the 26th floor of what appears to be a classic art-deco-modern contemporary space (no clue what that means).

At the same time good luck moving in that pool table. Suckers.

From there we’ll move into the main entrance where you’ll find no closet space. No umbrella stand. No mat for your feet or hook for your jacket.

Instead you get a makeshift Tampa Marriott themed entrance complete with a dead plant obstructing what otherwise looks like a solid view.

Let’s keep moving.

Living Room

One picture in and boy am I glad I brought all this cocaine.

I didn’t know we’d be crowding around this smoothly surfaced table in such modern and uncomfortable furniture. Oh well. When in Rome

GODDAMN IS THIS PLACE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BELIEVE I NEVER CAME HERE

Dining Room

WOW. A PIANO. I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING. I SHOULD PLAY SOMETHING

Hour later I got it let’s keep moving

Overall the dining room could use a little work. It’s curved, so that’s weird. That’s not tile but it’s not hardwood or anything I know. There’s a weird table with two chairs at each head suggesting no one is a true alpha in this home. Kinda weird but its 2019 so I can respect it enough not to get blasted.

Speaking of getting blasted

Don’t move but there’s a wine room just off the large block of wood in the middle of the room. We better inspect

I can’t count because I’m coming down from the uppers but I think there’s at least 24 bottles stacked high there. I’m going to need a place to drink all this.

Kitchen

Now we’re talking. The kind of hardwood floor that looks like shit in a Wrigleyville apartment but is banging on lake shore drive. Go figure. Probably from some forest in Italy you can’t access without a dozen virgins. Maybe not. Point is it’s nice wood.

I also like the cabinets have no handles. I’m assuming they still open but can’t say for sure. If they don’t open I can probably just use one of the bullshit spare bedrooms as a pantry. We’ll get to those shoeboxes later. For now, hat tip double oven for when you’re between home run inn frozen pizza and a solid meatloaf so you go double barrel 450F on the left, 375 on the right. That’s a simple rich guy move. Regular people do it but that doesn’t mean I over look it here.

On the other side of the room is an espresso machine built into the wall and another table from a WeWork conference room.

Joking aside – lots of seating capacity. You have to respect a home built to entertain and I think this place checks that box. There’s even a game room!

Game Room

And a theatre!

Theatre

And a place for orgies!

Orgies Room

Apparently I should have brought a lot more cocaine. I didn’t know it was going to be this kind of tour.

Pro tip – only buy this place if you want to party. Every bedroom is designed for sex.

Bedrooms

Like this one with a bed in the middle of it that’s practically begging for sex.

Or this room with a sex dungeon bed made for tying people up and having SEX

Or this room that has multiple beds for multiple people for even more sex:

Or this bedroom that looks like a La Quinta Inn Suites commercial which should make everyone horny

Just kidding we’re paying $13.5M for this place we aint got time for La Quintaa Inn.

Balcony access. More shitty furniture that’s extremely expensive. The kind of blinds you see in Asian steakhouses. Everything rich people do well they’re doing it here, and they’re having sex too.

Probably need a place to clean up after all of it, like these bathrooms:

Bathrooms

There’s more bathrooms but I’m not here to sell you on bathrooms because I’m moving in for the close.

Let’s talk VIEWS

VIEWS

The sound you hear is your zipper bursting from that F-5 erection surging in your underpants. Joe Rogan was saying the other day that once you get rich you can’t really appreciate shit but that doesn’t apply to views. I couldn’t agree more. As an internet blogger who makes a living touring rich places all these shitholes are starting to look and smell the same. I need something to remind me that I’m the best each and every day, like 270 degrees of city wide horizon views of all the poor people below me.