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Hello.

Earlier this week I went on a walk with Carl. I started the walk by taking a dump. It was big and messy so Carl used two bags. That’s my second two-bagger this month.

Anyways, we’re out on the walk having a blast and – to my surprise – I realize I need to dump some more. I blame the excitement of being outside in nice weather. Carl blamed mom for lacing all of my meals with canned pumpkin, a natural digestant.

Screen Shot 2019-04-19 at 3.58.55 PMRegardless of blame, point remained that I needed to shit so I saddled up on some fresh mulch at this big ass house building thing in the South Loop and let loose. Well turns out Carl didn’t have any more bags, and turns out it wasn’t some house building – it was the United States Soccer Federation HQ.

Screen Shot 2019-04-19 at 4.02.02 PMUnfortunately for Carl he only brought 2 bags, both of which were already filled with my shit. So we improvised. There was a garbage can across the street – surely a bag would be in there that could adequately hold the poop. We started to cross the street.

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A strange man got in our way. Mid-40’s. Looked like an asshole.

WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK THERE AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP

We are Carl said.

OH YEAH IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE IT

I’m getting a bag

WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A BAG ALREADY

Why don’t you mind your own fucking business

YOU KNOW SOMEONE’S GOING TO HAVE TO CLEAN THAT UP

You mean like me? Right now? With you in my way?

YEAH SURE THING BUDDY GOOD THING I CALLED YOU OUT 

Do you work for US Soccer?

YEAHHH

What’s it like being a national failure?

*SCOFFS*

He got out of our way. Then we got an empty bag of Ruffles and some newspaper and cleaned my poop up. It was a major relief so we celebrated by taking a nap on the lawn in front of the field museum. Several people pet me and it felt good. Carl said even though everyone was nice that we couldn’t trust any of them. He sure was in some kind of mood.

Anyways question this week is what would your dog do with a million dollars? I would pay for someone to lick my smegma for me all day so I can take a break for once. Here’s what my friends said:

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WHAT???

Screen Shot 2019-04-19 at 4.22.50 PM

Stay on track Scottie

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