The Federal Government Is Now Studying Why Overweight Chicks Have Less Sex

National Review - The federal government is spending nearly half a million dollars to study why obese girls have fewer “dating experiences” and less sex than girls who are not obese. “Mounting evidence demonstrates that weight influences intimate (i.e., dating and sexual) relationship formation and sexual negotiations among adolescent girls,” the study’s description says. “Obese girls consistently report having fewer dating and sexual experiences, but more sexual risk behaviors,” it continues. 

This is sneaky the best study our government has ever done. I’m sure most people out there right now are thinking, “Well yeah, no shit fat chicks don’t have a ton of sex. That’s like saying the moon isn’t made out of cheese, which the fat girl would ultimately end up eating”. And sure, the basic premise of that thought is all well and good, but there are for sure some schemers in our government and I’m on to their little tricks. Imagine the “Get Out of Jail Free” card us humans with both X and Y chromosomes will have once the findings of this study are published. They’ll probably end up throwing a shit ton of biological terms in there filled with a few yada yada yada’s and then poof, men are no longer assholes for not wanting to date your fat friend, we’re just biologically wired to hate them. Sure, the $466,642 being shelled out for the study seems like a bit much right now but we have to think of this as an investment for all the future generations of men. They’ll get to grow up in a world where they can tell a fatty at the bar to get the hell away from them not because he’s a jerk, but because science told him to say that. Glad to see the Feds are still fighting the good fight. Now go out there this weekend and snag yourself a porker for old time’s sake.