Against All Odds, The New Samsung Fold Phones Are Breaking Immediately

Oh Samsung. Someday you’ll get it right. Keep trying! We’re all rooting for you to develop a phone that doesn’t instantly become a joke on the internet. Until that day, we’ll continue to HATE you for making an entire group chat green because of one bad egg. You’re like the one person who responds to a dinner party invite with dietary restrictions. Everybody else was on board with the menu until you chimed in with your bee allergy that isn’t even serious enough for you to carry an epi pen, which means the honey miso black cod is cuncelled because the bees made the honey and you’re still coming. We knew you were going to be a cunt about it, and we were right, Darryl. I say Darryl because it’s safe to call a man the cunt word but if Darryl were Darlene we’d have a problem.

Just remember: Darryl is a cuntman cuntman cuntman that boy up to identifying as a cisgender male. Deep breaths.

As far as the phone goes, do we even care about that topic anymore? I feel like we’ve moved into the etymology of “cunt.” But I owe you an opinion so here y’are: don’t give your hot new phone to a group of blue checkmark reporters with large twitter followings. Start with farm folk or mole people. Even with half the screen lit, they’ll be grateful for the illumination of their 6 train cave dwellings. Might even use it to scribble stick figure drawings on the walls with their feces to leave a record for future generations. Once those bat people come back with a report, you can sort out the kinks and start passing the improved versions around to the surface peoples.

Samsung can’t afford to take any more hits. Luckily, the hero known as Geoffrey Fowler rode in on his gleaming stallion and offered his services to the villagers:

Not the hero they need, nor the one they deserve. Not really a hero at all, honestly. Just a dude with some mighty quick wrists. I’m sold.