Flavorful Balls With Cream Filling: Vasectomy Cakes Are The Hot New Trend

From USA Today:

Cakes topped with everything from scissors and well-placed blueberries to fondant sperm – have become a social media sensation as bakers across the U.S. promote photos of baked goods decorated to celebrate the procedure (vasectomy).

What generated buzz most recently was an Instagram post by Signature Desserts in Nolensville, Tennessee, showcasing a buttercream-frosted cake with “100% JUICE NO SEEDS HAPPY VASECTOMY!” written on top. It featured lemons hand-painted on edible paper and cost the client who conceived of it for her husband $30.

The Journal of Urology says appx. 500,000 vasectomies are performed in the U.S. each year, so maybe it’s not a bad idea for bakers to make this a thing. No shortage of customers. I went to Instagram to see if this really was starting to trend and typed #vasectomycakes in the search bar. And yep, it is.

Even though I don’t have balls, some of the photos gave me a case of phantom penis pain.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Scissor me timbers. Over at Stacy’s Crazy Cakes she’s getting multiple orders for these things:

No nut for Mr. Peanut. Holding his own balls in a jar is a nice touch:

“Sorry to hear your penis is now redundant. Enjoy the tight pants and 50 wanks.” Clearly this is British humor due to the use of ‘wanks’ & me not fully getting it. There’s also unemployed sperm & an absolutely mutilated, hot pink dick on top. Did anyone else just get hungry?

Something about the foamy icing & calling cum “baby gravy” made me throw up in my mouth a little bit:

Only 32… RIP. Deepest condolences:

Mixing things up with a Boston Cream boner here. “I’m sorry. Thank you.” Plus an icing bandaid over one of the balls. Short, very sweet, to the point:

I’d be angry, too:

If this guy’s sperm really looked like chocolate Ninja Turtle heads I’m sad he got the procedure:

I think this one is my favorite. Aww nuts… No fuss, no muss, no kids when you bust. Simple yet elegant:

I asked some of the guys around the office if they’d get a kick out of coming home from the procedure to a cake commemorating the occasion:

Clem: “If my wife does this for me after my vasectomy I’ll sit there with frozen peas on my dick & balls & eat it with my bare hands. I’ll break my diet for that. But I’m not getting a vasectomy until I find a place that will let me live-stream it.”

Chaps: “I would have liked ice cream.”

Francis: Ideally she waits a couple weeks until I’m healed up & then she pops out of a cake wearing lingerie & we have the most risk free sex of our lives.

Despite the discomfort, that sort of thing has to be the icing on the cake.