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Goth Crocs Are Here And They Are The Hottest Item Of The Summer

goth-crocs

NYP – Crocs, the OG ugly shoe brand beloved by grandmothers and gardeners alike, has gained an unlikely gang of hardcore fans: goths.

New York-based Instagram user @garbage_b0y — who describes himself as an “uninfluential influencer” and “viral foot model” in his bio — is the culprit of this odd orthopedic mashup appropriately dubbed “Goth Crocs.”

Garbage boy (real name: unknown) released the modified black clogs with chains, studs and spikes on his Etsy store. They run upward of $260.

There are going to be two types of people walking around this summer; there are going to be people who own a pair of Goth Crocs. And then there are going to be a bunch of friendless, dickless losers. Because let me state this very clearly right now–if you’re not rocking a pair of GC’s this summer, you are a nobody. Might as well just stay inside all summer like the dweeb you are because nobody out in the real world even wants to look at you, let alone associate with you. If you don’t look like this…

…then I don’t even want to know you.

I think the thing that is so great about Goth Crocs is that they’re so versatile. I mean at their very core, they are aquatic footwear. Meaning that you can wear them on any fancy yacht parties you find yourself invited to this summer. But they are also extremely stylish. Meaning that you can wear them to a summer wedding, or to an ultra-exclusive soiree. And considering they are Crocs, they are comfy as shit. Meaning you can wear them just about anywhere and know that your feet are going to be standing on top of a cloud even if you’re standing the entire day. You can wear them to the bar, you can wear them to work. And goths also love death so if you unfortunately find yourself having to attend a funeral, you can wear them to that as well. I honestly cannot think of a single place or event that a pair of Goth Crocs wouldn’t be appropriate footwear.

Versatile. Stylish. Comfort.

I would never consider myself to be a “hype beast”. I’m not some sort of “sneaker head” or anything like that. But I know a must-have item when I see one. And the Goth Crocs? Well they are THE must-have item of Summer ’19. You can take your Off-Whites and your Yeezys and you can shove them up your ass this summer. Right where they belong.

@BarstoolJordie