Barstool’s Champions League Preview – The “RIPIP Drake Curse?” Edition

Sam's Army4/16/2019 6:33 PM

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies

Hi Haters™,

THE CHAMMMMMMMMMPIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS!

If those two words alone don’t make your special parts tingle there can only be one explanation:

Now sit back, relax, and let these sweet sounds start getting you in the mood for some sexy soccer satisfaction…

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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Results from last week and schedule for this week:

Member those warnings I included at this juncture in the blogs about first legs tending to be “cagey” affairs, and to keep that in mind before mortgaging your house and betting it on the over(s)? Yeah, you can go ahead and forget that now. These are the second legs and some teams – particularly home sides that find themselves on the wrong end of the “away goals” tiebreaker – will end up having to throw caution to the wind and go balls to the wall… meaning lots of entertainment and plenty of goals.

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TUESDAY’S PICKS

Barcelona [-295]
United [+775]
Draw [+425]

Tough look for a club that has spent as much money as United to be [+775] underdogs against anyone anywhere… but then again the Red Devils haven’t been accused of being particularly shrewd assessors of talent in recent years:

(That was a bit of a low blow, of course, as United has brought in plenty of legitimate talent in recent years… but the point still stands that they haven’t exactly been getting much bang for their billions of bucks ever since Sir Alex took his little pre-OGS hiatus.)

But now we have meandered off topic. So let’s get back to the point:

United are outmatched today. A combined XI would include three MAYBE (at absolute most) four Red Devils with De Gea, Lindelof, Pogba (sometimes) and Rashford (if healthy). But for confirmation of that look no further than the first leg where United offered up one of their more impressive 90 minutes of the season…

…and yet they mustered precisely zero – ZERO – shots on goal. Zero? ZERO! At Old Trafford? At Old Trafford. Yikes.

So now United gotta head to the Camp Nou needing to score a goal to have any chance at moving on. No bueno. HOWEVA, you know what? I think they have a puncher’s chance of actually pulling it off – for two key reasons.

ONE: United have evolved into a very decent counter-attacking team this season,a nd have proven that they are perfectly content to let other teams tiki-taka their way up and down the field for long stretches but – if/when they somehow nick the ball away – are prepared to shoot forward blitzkrieg-style with a handful of guys and try to catch the opposing defense napping and/or too far up field. Barcelona is damn good going forward but at some point in the Champions League their defense will be their downfall. Perhaps today?

TWO: Champagne Papi.

When even Man United’s (Spanish language) social media team is getting in on the drag-fest that means one of two things: (1) the Drake curse is real or (2) the Drake curse is officially dead.

Annnnnnnyway, everybody always says “the first goal is gonna be huge” so this may sound a little weird but the first goal isn’t necessarily gonna be a spirit killer for either team in this game. Any United fans legitimately expecting to keep a clean sheet against Barcelona in their backyard are kidding themselves. I guess it could happen because David De Gea, but it’s a bit of a pipedream. So the Red Devils almost have to go in planning on needing two goals, thus going through 2-1 on the away goals tiebreaker. Could it happen? I mean, probably not if we are being honest, but United showed against PSG that they are not afraid of going into a hostile environment and using a combination of skill (1-part) and luck (15-parts) to come out victorious. It will take about twice as much luck this time around… but I’ll be damned if that [+775] isn’t calling my name. Besides, this happened on April 16, 2014 – and time is a flat circle.

United to win 2-1 on a late goal from Rashford (streaking down the right wing, of course).

Juventus [-160]
Ajax [+440]
Draw [+290]

I said it before I’ll say it again: I think Ajax are going to find a way to make it through. Juventus have a ton of experience and more importantly they have Ronny, but they are also carrying a lot of injury doubts at the moment so as stupid as it is to ever bet against the deadliest striker in Champions League history… I’m going with the kids. Ajax to win 2-2.