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Coolest Kid Ever Steals 16 Nips Of Fireball From His Grandpa And Hands Them Out To His Pals (Then Gets Drunk, Pukes and Passes Out At School)

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Daily Mail- A South Carolina middle school student was hospitalized last week after he passed out in class and nine empty mini bottles of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky were found in his backpack. An incident report from the Union Police Department says the 13-year-old boy appeared to be drunk at Sims Middle School and was vomiting and moving unsteadily before he lost consciousness on Friday. The principal searched his bag and recovered the nine empty bottles along with one that was half-empty and two that were unopened, according to police. The student allegedly swiped at least 16 bottles of the whisky from his grandfather without his knowledge.

Boy did that story get less and less cool as it went along. At first it sounded like this was the coolest kid ever. He swiped a bunch of nips* from his gramps, handed them out to his pals at school and solidified his reputation as the coolest 13 year old to ever walk planet earth. Then alcohol reared it’s ugly head and did what alcohol does best which is ruin EVERYTHING in the blink of an eye. Booze is great off the top but then it slowly devolves into puking and chaos, especially when you’re 13 years old and you have no idea how to drink the proper amount. This kid learned the hard lesson about alcohol that everyone learns, he just learned it about 5 years earlier than everyone else.

I have a question though, why did the grandpa have a bunch of nips of Fireball laying around? That’s the weirdest part of the story to me. What an incredibly strange type of booze for an older gentleman to have large amounts of. Fireball is normally reserved for college girls who don’t like the taste of real shots but still wanna black out on shots. Old men should be drinking whiskey derived from tree bark or whatever the hell old men drink. Something tells me the police need to kick in that old guy’s door and search his house.

*Is nips the right terminology? I had shooters in my head but I asked a couple people in the office and they said nips. Maybe it’s a regional thing because I grew up calling them shooters. I went with nips because a classy alcohol like Fireball deserves a classy description