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There's Not A Chance In Hell That Russell Wilson Is Comfortable Sleeping With All Those Chains On

Now I know this may come as a shocker to all of you at home, but I’m actually not much of a chain guy. Mostly because I do not have that sort of disposable income. Also, I don’t know if chains would necessarily look as cool on a white hockey/lacrosse blogger as they would on an NFL quarterback. But that’s neither here nor there. Because regardless of whether or not I’m a big chains guy myself, I know for a damn fact that Russell Wilson can’t be comfortable sleeping with all of those on.

For starters, it’s a choking hazard. I mean imagine having to go to sleep every night with the chance that you end up choking to death. I’m just saying that if you’ve ever watched “1000 Ways To Die”, you know that would only be like the 400th weirdest way to go out. All it takes is for those chains to get caught up on a pillow or blanket, you roll over on your side and now you’re getting strangled. Couldn’t be me. I like to go to sleep every night knowing that if I’m ever going to get strangled to death it’s going to be by an intruder, not for clout. But I guess they don’t call him DangeRuss for nothing.

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Secondly, just think about how annoying that shit has to be every time you twist and turn in your sleep. Unless Russell Wilson is an alien and can just sleep on his back for the duration of his slumber, he’s flipping over back and forth. And every time you toss around in your sleep wearing those chains, they’re constantly clanging and banging. It’s gotta be pretty hard to hit REM cycle if your chains are waking you up 5 different times every night. And if Russell Wilson isn’t getting a proper amount of sleep, how can he possibly be successful on the field? Kind of seems like the Seahawks just lit some money on fire right there.

And finally, it just seems like a super weird amount of weight to just be resting on your chest. I mean it’s not like they look heavy enough to be comforting like a weighted blanket or anything. But they also don’t look light enough to the point where the weight isn’t noticeable. Those chains seem like the perfect weight for you to constantly be aware that they are there. Quite frustrating, I would assume.

So yeah. I’m sure there is always the chance that Russell Wilson put on those chains just to announce that he signed a new contract and is now the highest paid player in the NFL. But if he’s actually sleeping in those chains every night? That’s psycho behavior.

@BarstoolJordie