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Some American Ideas To Really Jazz Up The Reconstruction Of The Notre Dame Cathedral

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First of all massive shoutout to the Parisian firefighters who saved the structural integrty of the Notre Dame cathedral as well as the numerous important historical and artistic artifacts contained within- a job well done. All in all it could of been alot worse, and anyone who knows anything about the History of the Church knows that they will rebuild it.

There have already been millions of dollars pledged to the reconstruction proving that if you want Amercans online to care about a church that burned down, just have it be a extravagent one where they took a picture during there study abroad program instead of a poor one in Louisiana. As I mentioned, The Cathedral has been damaged and rebuilt several times over the last 800 years- it is very much in the spirit of the French people to rebuild and move on and they will have alot of people eager to help them do it.

That being said, lets face it, Notre Dame is not the up to date money-makers that many of todays superchurches are. It lacked many of the amentities that we take for granted in places run by a modern, cool, disruptive leader like Joel Osteen as oppose to a dinosaur like “the pope” or whatever. So from a American, here are a few ideas I’d like to give gratis, to mon amis francais. J’taime.

Luxury Suites

This ones a no-brainer. The big tent thing was cute for a while, but if you want to maximize the gameday experience for your fans, you need to get the high dollar customer in the door whose a little wary about knocking knees with the riff-raff.  Fully stocked minibar, TVs carrying other live masses around the globe so you can stay up to date on your fantasy priest teams. You can even have some fun with it and turn the entire suite into a confessonal so none of the sins you commit inside it count. Ultimate “what happens in the Luxury Suite stays in the Luxury Suite.”


That leads me to my second idea:

Move The Notre Dame Cathedral To Las Vegas

Lets be honest, Paris hasnt been paying their fair share in upkeep recently. The tax incentives are no better then what Sagrada Familia gets, depsite the fact that the Barcelona Cathedral never had a Disney movie made about it. Talk about ungreatful. God needs to demand a new church, or for the taxpayers to pay for these additions or else its time for Jesus to say “no more Mr. Nice Guy,” call up the Mayflower trucks, and haul the Churchs ass to Sin City.

The Golden Knights, the Raiders, every franchise in need of a facelift is moving to the desert. What better place for a organization that wants to save souls then Vegas which leads the world in Souls That Need Saving per capita. Gambing on the over/unders in sermon length and how long the candles will burn is bringing the church headfirst into this new era of legalize sports betting.

Modernize The Concessions

Wafers and Grape juice was cute for your grandparents but todays worshipppers demand more from there church. So we’re happy to serve them bespoke glasses of our famous “punch-back of Notre Dame” cocktail, and craft beers aged in wine barrels for hubby. Also be sure to try our giant communion cracker called “Christ, Thats Delicious” made with artisnal ciabatta and piled high with 6 epic strips of candied bacon, sriracha aoli, and crisped up to perfection in our friar.

The one complaint people have about going to church is that theres no dessert, so lets fix that with sacramint chocolate chip ice cream served out of commemerative pope helmet bowls. 29.99

Then we get any sports blog to write a harmless article about our delicous food, and then Deadspins will write a article about the article about our food like a bunch of suckers, giving us twice the impressions.

Better Bathrooms

Need a trough. You absoluteley gotta have a trough.


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Theyre allready halfway there to Cowboys stadium now that there’s a hole in the roof so god can look down on Sundays, but now they need to spice it up for the modern churchgoer and put in a jumbotron big enough that you can see the spittle flying out of the choir’s mouth. Equip it with the latest in instant replay so you can tell exactly who got saved and who got waved.

Add A Bank

Or at least a ATM. Alot of the street merchants on the Seine only take cash and its easy to run low if your a tourist, so seems like a easy way to generate revenue with a value-add for your consumer. If I could be franc, your really missing out on boucoup euros.

Jesus had a majorleague freakout on the money-changers, well its time we teach by live demonstraton. We set up a blue and white zubaz currency exhange & a animatronic cashier Jesus throws you through a table Bills Mafia style before he sends you on your way with a fistfull of dollars.

Golf Course (???) still working out the logistics on this one 

A Mall

Look at the Mall of Amerca for example- its got a food court big enough to fit almost 40% of the credentialed NFL journalists at the Superbowl, a indoor roller coaster, like 6 bath and body works for bathing the feet of the prostutes that will find themselves cruising the upper level for johns.


I mapped out the square footage of Notre Dame and you can conservaticely add 4 starbucks to the lower level and 3 to the outside as the crowds are waiting in line. They’re what we like to call a “captive audience” and if we’re not marketing to them someone else is. We live in a attention economy and for every second we arent occupying our guests mindspace we’re losing money.

and finally Naming Rights

What would naming rights to Notre Dame be worth? 50, 100 million dollars a year? Vatican dosen’t have as much gold as it use to after a series of payments that have been made to various recipients, and this infusion of cash cash cash would be a real shot in the arm. Off the top of my head I would imagine the following companys would have interest: