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Apparently Belligerently Eating Spaghetti At The Olive Garden Is A Crime Now?!?

WPIX- A drunk Florida man was arrested outside Olive Garden after eating pasta in an inappropriate manner. According to the Miami Herald, officers with Naples Police Department were dispatched to the chain restaurant around 3:30 p.m. Sunday regarding a disturbance. A man was reportedly asking restaurant patrons for money and yelling at them using explicit language. When police arrived, they discovered a shirtless man sitting on a bench outside the establishment. The man was allegedly shoveling spaghetti into his mouth with his hands. The man, identified as 32-year-old Ben Padgett, was placed under arrest for disorderly intoxication, according to the newspaper.

Blogger’s Note: This was blogged by Nate last week, but I didn’t notice it until after I hit publish and I made a promise to you, the reader, that I will never delete a blog that has already been published. Plus Nate is my pseudo opponent at tomorrow’s Rough N Rowdy and the best way to hurt him is to take away any pageviews he may receive for a blog written literally 7 days ago. In fact I bet it will really piss him off if you hit the Back button and click on this blog again

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Forget about the old “I thought this was America” line. I thought this was fucking Florida. Do the police in the Sunshine State really have that much time on their hands to harass someone that isn’t eating their pasta with elegance and grace while harmlessly muttering a few four-letter words to himself? I feel like we have been averaging 2-3 Florida Man blogs a day on Barstool since Davey Pageviews went digital and loaded his newspaper on the internet. I’m sure there were enough derelicts in Naples doing things much worse than eating spaghetti sloppily.

Actually while we are here, can you really trust someone who eats spaghetti in a way that is not described as belligerently? You can try to loop it, scoop it, and load it into your mouth. But sooner or later, it turns into a feeding frenzy where you are getting as much on the fork as possible before you shovel it down your gullet. You know why? Because spaghetti is fucking awesome. The king of the pastas in my opinion. You are not going to aim small, miss small when eating spaghetti. You are going to get as much of that goodness in your belly ASAP. And if you are at Olive Garden during the Never Ending Pasta Bowl, the only time you shouldn’t be eating your pasta like a mongoloid is while you are waiting for your refill as you inhale the free, warm breadsticks while dabbling in some salad so you don’t feel like a complete piece of shit, even if 80% of the salad you eat are crutons. Fuck, I am definitely going to Olive Garden tonight and knocking myself wayyyy out of ketosis because the Naples PD couldn’t turn a blind eye to a guy treating himself with some fine Italian dining.

Side story: The first sit-down restaurant my wife ever went to was an Olive Garden and she said “Whoa, this place must be fancy if the chairs have wheels on them”. I would have asked her to marry me that instant if I knew her at the time. She would have said no because we were both in middle school and she likely didn’t treasure personality over looks as much as she did when I actually did propose. But someone with that sense of taste is soul mate material for me.