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The Worst Music Festival of All Time

I’ve been defeated. My armor of irony has been worn down to a futile pulp; my artillery of sarcastic comebacks and insulting barbs has run drier than a virgin long distance runn- than a long distance runner. I can no longer compete with the ever-growing contingent of hyper-corny, ultra-horny, inevitably unoriginal, and blissfully narcissistic adult males on Twitter who shamelessly (and oddly sexually) assault my timeline on a daily basis with a redundant bombardment of the most painfully pathetic and viciously vapid combination of words that the English language is capable of producing.

My block button doesn’t have that much power. My mute feature doesn’t have that much energy. I’m not just throwing in the towel either; I’m throwing in the rock-solid, cum-stained towel that’s been hiding under my childhood bed since I downloaded Swordfish (26% on Rotten Tomatoes) on LimeWire just to see a two-second scene of Halle Berry’s 25-year-old tits.


My problem: I physically, mentally, and spiritually can’t deal with this shit anymore, but I absolutely refuse to delete my Twitter.

My solution: Not necessarily banish these people to an isolated island for them to all die a slow, miserable death. Something worse, actually: Lure them all to somewhere (anywhere) in the state of Kansas where they can do whatever it is they do in real life as a like-minded group.

Event: The First Annual Midwest TwitterFest (Sponsored by Kansas Corn)

Date: June 15, 2019 – Eternity

Location: Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve, Chase County, Kansas

Cost: Free for anyone who has unironically retweeted, liked, or voluntarily refrained from hating one of the tweets above

Bathrooms: Yes

Food: Retweets, likes, chicken nuggets (for goofy girls only), followers

Unofficial Lineup/Schedule:

11:00 – 11:15 AM: Blonde Girls Wearing Baseball Hats (screaming “woo” and giggling at nothing in particular)

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11:15 – 11:30: Engaged 19-Year-Olds (proposing after 3 months of dating even though they still hate each other’s former Prom dates)

11:30 – 11:45: Statutory Rapists Who Beat The Case (revving parent-funded trucks at underage girls)

11:45 – 12:00 PM: Socially Awkward Cloyd Rivers (asking girls if they’ve seen his latest tweet)

12:00 – 12:30: Racially-Ambiguous Tweetdeckers (stealing tweets, going insanely viral, and smirking *LIVE*)

12:30 – 1:00: Odyssey Online Authors (feeding Clydesdales carrots)

1:00 – 1:15: Racist Golden Retrievers (barking menacingly at racially-ambiguous Tweetdeckers)

1:15 – 2:00: Community College Shortstops (staring at blonde girls in baseball hats and sensually biting lips)

2:00 – 3:30: @ColeyVance (tongue fully out)

3:30 – 4:00: Sigma Chi Fraternity Brothers Who Almost Went D1 (incorporating high school touchdowns into unrelated conversations)

4:00 – 4:03: Goofy Girls (dancing while eating chicken nuggets; praying someone’s filming them)

4:03 – 5:00: Dudes Named Austin Poorly Shotgunning Beers

5:00 – 5:30: Delta Zetas Wearing 21st Birthday Sashes (actual birthday is in 27 days)

5:30 – 5:45: Random Guys Achieving Tinder Height On Stilts (now they’re 6’0″)

5:45 – 6:00: 2030 Lake House Hologram (bonus Hologram of Range Rover and Hot, Abusive Husband)

6:00 – 8:00: Meth (meth)

8:00 – 9:30: Nursing Majors Quoting Vines (synchronized “Come get y’all juice” encore)

9:30 – 9:45: Razor Sharp Jawlines (enduring excrutiating pain)

9:45 – 10:00: Infinite Retweets ($15 charge)

10:00 – 10:15: Lip Syncing Dylans (acoustic covers and dubstep remixes)

10:15 – 10:30: Overweight Former Quarterbacks Arguing About High School Game From 2011 (becoming progressively more drunk and emitting more saliva)

10:30 – 10:45: Alcoholic Tee-Ball Parents (Drinking spiked Capri Suns that were intended for players)

10:45 – 11:15: Cool Moms Making Buffalo Chicken Dip (Singing along to Mo Bamba with hot husband and kids)

11:15 – 11:30: Post Malone Parody Account (Being treated like a priority instead of an option)

11:30 – 12:00: Shirtless Teens Holding Large Mouth Bass (accompanying fireworks)