So with the Sox and Cubs playing nothing but day games right now, I’m relegated to watching whatever movie happens to be on TV that night on TV1 and whatever non-Chicago baseball game/sporting event on TV2. Last night I happened to stumble across a classic, 10 Things I Hate About You.
I fucking love this movie. I think it’s a pretty damn good characterization of a suburban HS, and I would know as I went to the most stereotypical suburban HS of all time, Wheaton Warrenville South. It had every clique imaginable, from athletes, to stoners, to goths, to skateboarders, to overzealous religious weirdos, etc.
There’s just one thing I don’t really think runs true about the movie: Joey Donner would be a fucking loser at any suburban HS on earth. He wouldn’t be banging the hottest chicks. The athletes wouldn’t like him and his pretty boy over the top attitude. The goths would detest him. Instead of being the hot shot that he is painted out to be in the movie, he’d be the biggest target of bullying in the school.
Which brings me to my point: I want to punch him in the face. Just wind up and let’er rip right in his model shnozz. Just one of the most punchable faces in movie history. So without further ado, let’s talk about people from movies we want to punch in the head.
Joey Donner – 10 Things I Hate About You
Just such a douche. There’s no chance in fucking hell the Larisa Oleynik of any suburban HS would want anything to do with him. MAYBE it’d be different if he were an athlete, but nothing in the movie points to him being one. He’s just some rich, yuppy ass bitch that the entire school would hate, teachers and students alike. Thank god he got stomped out by Bianca at the end of the movie so I didn’t have to.
Punchability score: 9.9/10
Eric – Billy Madison
Such a conniving little weasel. Always scheming behind people’s backs, bringing guns into the Knibb High auditorium. Fucking lunatic that needed to get punched in the face. Sure he got shot in the end, but that’s taking the easy way out. Someone needed to turn his face into a catcher’s mitt. I can’t watch Billy Madison without wanting to throw a haymaker at my TV because of him. On top of all that, he throws like a fucking PUSSY
I like to think I grew up in the wrong time and that I actually belong playing baseball all day every day in junk yard baseball field in sunny 1960’s
Southern California Utah. But then I remember I’m addicted to my phone and couch and hate doing anything remotely physically demanding. That said, in a hypothetical world where me and my boys get challenged to an exhibition against the dickheads from the other side of town, we would have countered by challenging them to a fight instead. And I’d have targeted Phillips like I was a middle linebacker headhunting a random number that threw a cheap shot at me at the end of the game. Just pin him down and beat his face in until all that’s left is brain matter scattered all over their snooty outfield sod. One of the all time punchable characters in movie history.
Punchability score: 9.2/10
Percy – The Green Mile
A lot of weasels in this blog and he might be the biggest one. Oh your uncle is some hot shot governor? Well I don’t give a fuck. And him killing Mr. Jingles isn’t even why I want to punch him in the face; I want to punch him in the face because his name is fucking PERCY. I mean what kind of asshole has that name? Someone who needs to get decked in the face, that’s who. Fucking Percy. Such a dick
Punchability score: 9.4/10
Sugar – Jerry Maguire
His character is eerily similar to Eric in Billy Madison. In fact now that I think about it, they’re the exact same people. Only out for him and nobody else. He’s a weasel, a rat, and a conniving swindler. His haircut sucks too. A person’s hair can make or break their punchability score. If I was Jerry Maguire it would have taken every ounce of will power I had not to deck him this dickhead right in his face. Such a bitch in every way.
Punchability score: 7.1/10
Harry Ellis – Die Hard
Look at that smug fucking grin and tell me you don’t want to sock this guy right in the face. You can’t. From his douchey little hair that grows over his ears to his perfectly groomed beard, everything about Harry Ellis just screams “I need my face punched.”
And his whole stinky sales guy aroma just adds to it all. He called Hanz “booby” of all things. Booby!! What the FUCK is that? If I was in a sales meeting and some dickhead across the table was trying to get millions of dollars from me and said that to me, I’d look at him and say “get the fuck out of my office” without allowing another word to come out of his mouth, and as soon as he left I’d look at my colleagues and say “man, I really wanted to punch that guy in the face”.
Punchability score: 8.9/10
Cypher – The Matrix
What kinda asshole wakes up and decides “yup, this is it. This is the facial hair I’m gonna go with from here on out.”?
Someone who desperately needs a pop to the face. That’s who
Punchability score: 6.2/10
Gus Polinski – Home Alone I
Nice guy by all accounts. Just a jolly, overweight midwesterner who loves him some polka music. Someone we all can relate to. But if I were chilling on a wooden bench in the back of a U-Haul making a cross country voyage and someone shoved a disgusting, spit filled clarinet in my face and tried to get me to play it, I’d punch them in the face. No question about it.
Punchability score: 9.6/10
Bobby Mercer – 4 Brothers
Oh you’re a tough guy? Yeah? Well your name is Bobby. Here’s a fist to your face
Punchability score: 8.1/10
Rose’s Mom – Titanic
A complete uppity twat. Always judging people with her stupid red coat British accent. Thinks she’s better than everyone. Awful human. Wish she would have sunk like a stone to the bottom of the Atlantic too. Just the worst. I wish someone would have punched her in the head.
Punchability score: 8.8/10
Now that we’re on the subject of Titanic, I wish this guy would have gotten a fist to the face instead of a loogy
Punchability score: 9.7/10
Wilson – Cast Away
You ever play tetherball at a barbecue? It’s fun as fuck. Just punch balls around a pole against your little cousins and exert your dominance on them and shit like that.
Punchability score: 7.4/10
Private Upham – Saving Private Ryan
The biggest pussy in movie history. Saying his name makes my skin crawl. I get it – war sucks and some people aren’t cut out for it. And to add to that, his face is pretty normal and not all that punchable if we’re being honest. But Upham HEARD HIS FRIEND getting into a fist fight just a few feet away and did NOTHING. NOTHING at all. I wish I had supernatural powers like the girl in the well from The Ring where I could crawl through my TV and sock him in Kraut-speaking-with-a-hint-of-Bovarian nose. Just the worst human ever created, I don’t care if he “made up for it” by shooting the Kraut at the end of the movie.
Punchability score: 10/10
I’m sure there’s plenty I missed. These are the people who stuck out to me the most. If there is any glaring omissions, feel free to let me know in the comment section next to some witty mouse comment. Thanks!!