The Top 10 Most Attractive Girls of 2019

Disclaimer: This is an intellectual list. Exit out of this page right now if your click was inspired by horniness.  

10. College girls who have friends

With over 80K likes (more than the enrollment of Arizona and Arizona State combined), it’s hard to deny the attractiveness of a cordial co-ed who miraculously manages to attend school while also maintaining friendships with other humans. Sound a little too difficult for you? Well then kiss your chances of being blessed by Caleb Bryant and his washboard teen abs/dick goodbye.

9. College girls who have family members

Take it straight from the playbook of Josh Allen. The nation’s top scorers and bachelors are ditching the orphan dropouts in 2019 and going after female college students with parents and/or siblings instead.

8. College girls who have friends AND family members

What’s better than a multitasking college chick who magically juggles academics with the agonizing act of having relatives? One that also finds a way to mix some friends in with that chaotic combo. Not possible for you? Then don’t even waste stamina trying to Chase after a small town boy from a major U.S. metro.

7. Employed girls who have friends

Zach said it first. Sixty thousand fans cheered him on. It doesn’t get much hotter than a girl who has the superhuman ability to clock in AND hang out. Don’t have what it takes? Then don’t expect to be wooed in thread-form by a shirtless social media stud.

6. Employed girls who have family members

Two sold-out NFL stadiums worth of people agreed with Twitter’s favorite doggo daddy with this one. It doesn’t get much hotter than a hard-working hottie who can successfully balance a part-time job with a pair of parents.

5. Employed girls who have friends AND family members

Twitter user Zachary GPS re-routed standards and raised the bar for singles everywhere with this shockingly popular opinion on the importance of earning some type of salary on top of sustaining relationships with relatives and friends.

4. Employed college girls who have friends. 

Carlos made the call. Hundreds agreed. Taking college courses, having friends, and holding a job doesn’t seem possible, but it will undoubtedly set you apart from the rest of your competition.

3. Employed college girls who have family members

If she takes 2–4 classes AND works 20+ hours per WEEK, then it’s highly doubtful that she’ll also have room for pesky family members on her plate. But that’s what separates an average girl from the third most attractive girl in the world in 2019.

2. Employed college girls who have friends AND family members

The silver medalist of the sexual hierarchy: the rare breed of quadruple-tasking women who can inexplicably juggle undergraduate academic coursework with a soul-sucking minimum wage gig and supportive friends/family members.

1. Girls who have a good head on their shoulders and mindset for the future

The Michael Phelps of mates. The Wilt Chamberlain of wives. The Gretzky of girlfr— [I should probably use female examples for this] The Rosa Parks of romantic partners. The Venus Williams of vixens. The other Williams of significant others. The Most Attractive Girl of 2019 goes to the endangered species of anatomically-typical women who have the cognitive ability to think about their future.

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And before you berate me for trying to hold women to way too high of a standard, these type of girls DO exist, and believe it or not, they’re single too.