As everyone already knows, we’re only 8 days away from the greatest weekend of the year by far—the 2019 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (“Coachella” for short). Like a rabid, young child on Christmas Eve, I’m foaming out of the mouth in excitement for all the festivities, as I’m sure you all are too. With that said, some of you have absolutely zero swag or fashion sense, so I’m here to give you some last minute tips and tricks to ensure that you won’t embarrass yourself this year. (WordPress isn’t letting me unbold this so whatever)
DON’T WEAR: Feathers/Camo
Every year a shrieking flock of feathered Caucasian women migrate to Coachella under the guise of an American troop, Aztec Warrior Princess, South Asian Peacock, or some kind of other battle soldier or large avian species.
The problem? These young women are easily spotted and exposed as cultural-appropriating impostors, due to dead giveaways like white skin, human legs, and dream catcher or infinity sign tattoos. The solution?
DO WEAR: Ghillie Suit
A 5-piece woodland, camouflage Ghillie suit will not only disguise the fact that you’re a white woman attending Coachella, but it will completely disguise the fact that you’re attending Coachella at all. Some Ghillie Suits on Amazon and Ebay also come with duck calls and binoculars, which can be used to summon other Instagram models or scan the furthest depths of the campgrounds for hard drugs or others types of hard drugs.
DON’T WEAR: Expensive Sunglasses
Designer sunglasses are a hit at Coachella; not only as a trendy fashion accessory but as a method for blocking the sun from your eyes and hiding your dilated pupils while under the influence of MDMA. The problem? Sunglasses are very easily stolen and misplaced, especially when severely inebriated, and people are wasting absurd amounts of money on them. The solution?
DO WEAR: Vintage World War II Navy Scuba Helmet
The durable material and expert craftsmanship of an authentic World War II Navy Diving Helmet will ensure that it stays on your head under any circumstances, while protecting your face from life-threatening safety hazards like UV rays. Stop trying to copy the look of the Kendall Jenners and Bella Hadids of the world and start emulating real American heroes, like the Navy Scuba Divers who risked their lives in the deep trenches of the Pacific Ocean when Pearl Harbor was attacked.
DON’T WEAR: Basic Face Art
This year, hundreds, if not thousands of Instagram Public Figures will take a break from their grueling daily schedules and make the trek to Coachella for a wild weekend of posing for pictures and pretending to enjoy music. The problem? The boring designs and patterns they paint on their face won’t be enough to get them the attention and recognition they truly deserve. After all, the hardest part about being a Public Figure on Instagram is going into public and having nobody know that you’re a Public Figure on Instagram. The solution?
DO WEAR: “Public Figure” Henna Tattoo
Advertise it on your face in the form of a Henna tattoo, so that everyone at the festival will conveniently have a way of knowing your self-perceived social status just by looking at you.
DON’T WEAR: Flower Crowns
Flower crowns symbolize free-spiritedness, unconditional love, and happiness. The problem? Those emotions aren’t trendy anymore, and modern festival-goers are desperately searching for something that can do a better job at signifying more popular feelings like crippling sadness and internal suffering. The solution?
DO WEAR: Crown of Thorns
This vintage headpiece will go perfectly with your social anxiety and self-diagnosed mental illnesses this year. It not only looks great, but the razor-sharp thorns piercing your scalp and drawing blood will serve as a stylish metaphor for all the ex-lovers who selfishly betrayed you in the past, just like Judas did to Jesus Christ. Serotonin is officially out of style, so avoid committing an embarrassing faux pas like expressing joy.
DON’T HOLD: Flag
I have unlimited respect for the brave music festival troops who put their lives on the line in the perilous, desert sun of Southern California to battle their way through the dense crowd of bronzed bodies and proudly raise their respective flags during DJ Snake’s set, just like the U.S. marines did during the Battle of Iwo Jima. The problem? These courageous young men and women have to overcome way too much adversity to achieve Coachella tickets and navigate their way into the front of the crowd, just to flaunt some flimsy flag that doesn’t show off their true accomplishments. The solution?
DO HOLD: Manual scoreboard for showcasing/updating your follower count
Separate yourself from the other J-List internet celebrities at the festival by being able to broadcast and give live updates of your IG follower/YouTube subscriber count. Imagine skyrocketing from 15.7K to 15.8K followers after posting a VIP picture with a superstar recording artist like Russ or Juice WRLD, and not having a way to let everyone around you know. National flags might be cool and patriotic, but why would you showcase the pride and love you have for your country when you can showcase the pride and love you have for your self?
DON’T WEAR: Vintage Band Tees
Vintage band tees, like the ones modeled by the young women above, can instantly make your outfit look cooler and more stylish. They also go great with distressed jeans, flannel shirts, Xanax addictions, and chokers. The problem? Millennials are destroying their reputation by pretending to be fans of rock and roll bands that they don’t actually listen to, and they’re getting exposed for being posers at an alarming rate. Kurt Cobain didn’t die for a 23-year-old, Detox Tea brand ambassador from Naperville who only knows the words to the chorus of Smells Like Teen Spirit to wear a Nirvana shirt to Coachella in 2018. The solution?
DO WEAR: Vintage Civil War Drum
If you truly wanted to pay homage to the musical greats of yesteryear while maintaining your integrity, then you’d strap on a highly fashionable, antique Civil War drum and reenact the heroic feats of the 19th century drummer boys who carried the Union troops to victory. Stand out at Coachella this year by leading your squadron of EDM girls through the dangerous battlefields of LA vloggers and trust fund babies, and into the front lines of the Main Stage, while pounding your drum to the tune of Zedd’s electronic beats.
DON’T WEAR: Leather Backpacks
A high-end leather/suede backpack does a fantastic job at complimenting outfits and adhering to the “boho aesthetic” of Coachella, while also holding all of your survival essentials, like Advil, Valtrex, sunscreen, and 5-HTP. The problem? These luxury, leather handbags and backpacks are being made by immigrant workers and Asian toddlers in illegal sweatshops across the world. These babies are working long hours with no breaks, in extremely harsh conditions, and getting paid next to nothing. By wearing one of these name-brand bags, you are essentially supporting child labor and modern slavery. The solution?
DO WEAR: Handwoven Basket Filled With Logs
Avoid unintentionally supporting controversial issues, like the clothing industry’s cruel treatment of sweatshop workers, by making your own backpack from scratch. Spending hours and hours tirelessly weaving together fibers and chopping down trees is an excellent way for women to feel empowered and pay tribute to the indigenous peoples who were the trailblazers for many of the most popular fashion trends at Coachella.