Watergate 2019


60 cases a week. 24 bottles per case. That’s 1,440 bottles of water per week. 288 bottles per day. We have 120 employees that work at HQ. Some, like me, bring their own refillable water bottles. Others just drink soda or sugary juices like Kool Aid or Hi-C and decided that having a visual on their genitals was a luxury they could live without. We can generously assume that 90 employees consume the plastic Poland Spring bottles each day.

This means that the bottle drinkers are putting back 3.2 bottles of water per day. These people take pride in how much they hydrate. They keep their bottles around like trophies. Some fill them with dip spit. Others cum or pee in them. Nobody recycles. Bottles go in the trash and then the cleaning people take it away at night. They certainly don’t give a shit. I hear that recycling is a farce, and that we’re living under false pretenses. All plastic ends up in the ocean, or in India. Who knows.

I spoke a couple times on Breakfast about our consumption of water bottles, but I gave up a long time ago. If you care about this sort of thing, you’ll be miserable all day, every day. The more you bring it up, the more people will chug bottles in your face. That’s how it works here: care about something and we’ll make you look like a bitch. I can’t go through life that way; I’m barely hanging on as it is. So I quietly drink my water from the cooler in my swell bottle. It’s delicious and cold. It’s from Poland Spring, too, so it’s the exact same water that you get out of the bottles. I fill that puppy up about 3-5 times a day.

I never thought we’d do anything about the bottled water. It’s like the office had some strange vendetta against marine life. We were addicted to the these water bottles, and fuck anyone who tried to take them away. Somewhere along the line, it became political. As though recycling was the voodoo magic of liberal devils, and water bottles were a constitutional right that conservatives would exercise with impunity. I don’t really understand where this came from. I’m a republican even though I’m not registered. Yet I still read the reports about plastic and think it’s probably better to cut back, when possible. I’m not going to build my house out of plastic or march against the big plastic companies. Here’s an example: when I buy a sandwich at a deli, I tell them to hold the plastic bag. Not because I’m a priest, but because I don’t need it. Why the fuck would I need it? I just carry the sandwich in my hand 100 yards back to the office. If I have 10 items, I’ll take the bag. No need to be a psychopath about it.


Then yesterday, out of nowhere, the bottles were gone. Cold turkey. I don’t know if this came from Erika or what, but people are blaming me. In reality, I don’t think I have that power. Nobody gives a flying fuck what I think or say here, nor should they. I’m not a major player; I know where I stand. A couple blogs here, the occasional funny radio moment there. Punch in, punch out, go for a jog, eat an edible, play my guitar. Sex once a week on the weekend with my girl. Three positions: missionary, cowgirl, doggy. Subtle dirty talk. “Do you like that?” “Oh, yeah.” “How much?” “I deleted all the nudes I’ve received over the years.” “Really?” “Of course not.” “Where are they?” “I saved them on my computer under a file marked ‘big green egg recipes.'” “What’s your computer password?” “Not telling.” “Fuck you, piece of shit.” “It’s your name followed by your birthday.” “Really?!” “lol no.” “Do you even know when my birthday is?” “… Apritemberrrruary?”

I’ll be the punching bag though. I can take it now. They’ve turned me to stone. No heart, no soul; the light within me has gone out. Every day is a darkness, a time to endure.

Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink. —Coleridge