Tom Brady Started a Verified Twitter Account on April Fool's Day Just to Say He's Retiring and I Don't Appreciate the Joke

I thought the day would never come when I said this but, I don’t appreciate what you’re doing at all, Tom Brady. April Fool’s Day shenanigans are supposed to be cheeky and fun. These shenanigans are cruel and tragic. Which makes them not really shenanigans at all.

Tell us anything else. Anything. The zombie apocalypse is upon us. Putin hit “SEND” on every missile he has. There’s an asteroid coming sooner than we can send up a ragtag bunch of colorful misfit oil well drillers up to stop it and the world is about to end. There is no God. Anything but joking about Brady’s retirement, which is no laughing matter.

Granted this is just Brady’s first Tweet, so I’m almost willing to forgive it. Sooner or later he’ll learn how the game is played, and provide us with hundreds of harmlessly fun prank Tweets like this one:

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See? No one was hurt. It’s totally victimless. Except John Henry’s Globe. And the Falcons. But other than that, no one was hurt by it. That’s how you do it.

For the record, Brady posted this an hour ago. So he’s been on Twitter for the span of one lunch hour, earned a blue check mark, has 55,000-plus followers and it’s gotten 31,000 likes. That is “Charlie Sheen at the peak of his drug-addled fame” level popularity. Meaning he is well on his way to being the GOAT of social media, in addition to everything else he does better than anyone. He’s just got to stop playing with my soul like this and everything will be alright.

Here’s a real #LFG message, just to scrub the foul stench of this cruel prank off of us. I need it right now.