If You Don't Sleep Naked You're A Moron

So USA Today had a sex survey and discussed that one way for couples to spark up their sex life would be to sleep naked together. However, a majority of couples don’t do it. So I asked around a bit and it turns out everyone I know basically sleeps in fatigues. Makes no sense to me at all.

What is the point of wearing clothes in bed? No one can give me a legitimate answer. Under the sheets being in the buff is the only move. It’s the most natural and masculine. Kmarko says he wears boxers because “he likes clean sheets and doesn’t want his dick rubbing all over them.” Probably the gayest answer I’ve ever heard. No chance Kmarko has ever had sex with the lights on.  Plus boxers bunch up 100% of the time and you roll out of bed looking like a sumo wrestler. But what about boxer briefs, you ask? You ever woken up with morning wood in boxer briefs? It’s basically the scene in Gulliver’s Travels where Gulliver is tied down by a bunch of little people. Wriggling and writhing trying to get free, all the while strangling itself more. And if you were unfortunate enough to have your dick come out the crotch hole in the middle of the night you’re basically starting your morning doing a Chinese finger trap. Wearing either of those things I simply can’t understand. But at least they’re not nearly as crazy as wearing any for of upper body clothing. There are three things you can count on from people who wear tshirts to bed: 1. they’re fat. 2. they’re hairy. 3. at one point in the night their tshirt will mutiny and try to strangle them.

And I didn’t even bother addressing it but if you wear legitimate pajamas you’re INSANE. One cap away from a clatter startling you away from your long winter’s nap. Enjoy the sugar plums you fairy.

PS – Barstool sleep attire because I know everyone was wonering:

Smart/Confident/Alpha Males (sleep in the nude) : Me, Pres, Mo. Pretty telling that the 7 foot tall black guy is in this group, right?

Crazy (boxers or briefs) – KFC. Pretty big surprise here. I had Kev pegged as a tshirt and boxers guy for sure. No style in the streets, no style in the sheets. Also, Jmac. Unless he jerks off before bed and is too lazy to put boxers back on. So I guess Jmac should have been in the sleeps nude category.

Crazier (boxers and a tshirt) – Kmarko. I guess it’s good that he stopped at a tshirt and boxers. I mean what about his hands? They touched contaminated areas that day. WHAT IF A GERM GETS ON THE SHEETS? If Kmarko is sleeping in anything but a hazmat suit I count it as pseudo normal.

Craziest (a fucking wife beater) – Neil. Almost fell out of my chair when he told me that. Neil is like the kid in middle school who thought being super skinny meant that he was ripped so he walked around in beaters all day.

Too weird to sleep naked – BigCat. Apparently BigCat is the biggest sleep walker in history. Dude basically runs 5K’s and shit while in REM cycle. So he’s too scared to sleep naked.