"Hey Let Me Get A Slice Of That Bagel" - Nobody In The History Of History
Just what in the actual fuck is going on here? Do you think that George Washington kicked the shit out of the Red Coats so that we could start eating bagels in slices? Do you think that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon so we could divvy up bagels like a loaf of bread? Did the 1980 USA Men’s Olympic Hockey Team take down the Soviet Red Army in Lake Placid just for some shit like this to happen?
The answer to all of the above questions is a cold hard NO.
I don’t know what kind of tomfoolery they’re trying to pull off in St. Louis but this is the type of shit that should get you kicked out of the United States. You want to start slicing up bagels like bread? Take that up to Canada or something. The nerve of St. Louis to even consider this a “secret”. Yeah, no shit it’s a secret because literally nobody else in the world has even thought to do something like this. That’s like saying putting buffalo sauce in your frosted flakes is a secret.
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They’re bagels, dude. If they’re getting cut, it is directly in half. Maybe if you’re cutting it yourself, you accidentally go a little too thin on one half because you don’t have the most steady hand. Then you’ve got one thick ass half and one skinny little bitch. It’s annoying but we have nobody else to blame besides ourself for not taking our time with the knife. But still. It’s one cut and one cut only. It’s been that way since the dawn of time and it’ll remain that way until the world is engulfed by the sun and we all die.