Reader Email: The Best Breakup Letter On The Internet

Reading letter in caféThis blog is appropriately titled for reasons you will soon find out. I got this email the other day from a stooolie:


Thanks for posting my gambling story last week and keeping it confidential. My guys at work loved it. Figured you might be interested in the email below. It’s from a girl on our sales team… Her little sister is an absolute smokeshow. She’s 21 and was dating this 29 year old high school English teacher or something from the suburbs. I guess they met on Halloween and kind of dated for a little bit. Story goes he broke it off because she wasn’t ready to settle down at 21. He then tried to immediately get back with her and she basically told him to fuck off. His next move was to send this email. Do your thing.

Dope for you!

Long Time Listener

All I can say is I did my homework and turns out the following is very real. And before we dive in, I want to be clear on something – I’m not sharing this to make fun of the situation. No one likes having their feelings hurt and this is no different. So don’t interpret this as being mean.

Instead, I’m sharing this because it’s a perfect example of SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NEVER DO.


So, I never got to properly respond to the onslaught you sent me via text because of a lack of time to digest and meditate on the situation. This is just my response and whether or not you read it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it’s said.


There are several lingering factors in our relationship (expired at this point) that need to be addressed in my estimation.

Firstly, I realize that the termination of our relationship was a direct correlation of your fears. You’re 21, and I made the mistake of giving you too much credit. For how can one plan a life when she hasn’t even lived one yet?

Yep that’s exactly where this is headed. Shit’s about to get Sappy.

I thought you were a different breed, but the reality of the situation is that you’re still evolving.

“particularly your breasts”

One day you’ll look back and understand what you threw away and how you didn’t realize it because your youthful mentality wasn’t ready to make adult decisions. I get it. It hurts, but it’s life.

I’m going out on a limb and saying he actually doesn’t get it

This situation is laughable to a certain extent because how dare I ask a child if she’s ready to make a lifelong commitment. The shot was both long and narrow, and I apologize for giving you more than you can handle.

Idk if that’s a dick joke but: Girth > Long/Narrow

Maybe after a couple guys cheat on you and you’re relegated to a side piece that cares too much, you’ll understand the gravity with which I speak. Until then, best of luck on the cesspool that is dating in 2019.

… and congrats on the sex*

At least now you have an idea of what you’re getting yourself into next time. So, don’t cower from the situation. Embrace it when you’re ready as a woman… not a girl.Again, you can’t be blamed because you’re a 21-year-old acting a manner befitting to your true nature. In any case, “it is what it is.”

Alright believe it or not that’s actually the end of the first paragraph. We got 4 more to go and so far we’re just setting the scene: 21 year old smoke bomb doesn’t want to bear Beta Male’s children before next harvest.

Furthermore, understand continuing to share your location with me and viewing my stories is at its core a form of gameplay. What is the reason for doing so when you have left me in the past?

This email needs a puke bag

It hurts to say it and experience it but you never love me. You loved the idea of me once that idea faded from your mind you jump ship– classic millennial tactic to protect yourself before the opposite party hurt you.

“Yeah you stupid fucking millennial.” – Other Millennial

I get it; you’re just being the real you it’s okay. I was lost when I was 21 too. It gets better.

Judging by this it does not

In any event, please end the games. I stopped sharing my location with you because it’s what you wanted. I unfollowed you because it’s what you wanted, so don’t try to keep knife in any longer than it has to be. Pull the plug and make your mistakes. Live your best life! (Dope for you.)

Officially lost.

More importantly, I hope I taught you some things about life and some truisms about yourself. Don’t be fake. Be the real Veronica that you are all the time. It’s quite humorous that you said I had to change who I was, but in reality you didn’t even know who you were. Again totally my fault for giving a 21 year old too much credit: I apologize sincerely.

Good butt cheeks will do that

Still, the crying over the situation when it’s caused by your actions was putrid.


The manner in which you reacted after was on the same level of disgusting.


I hope you learn and find a better path for the next one and the next one.

Again congrats on the (future) sex

Don’t try to play a victim card as if all the sadness in the world is at your door step when you sent out the invitation with an RSVP. You’re the worst, but I can’t blame a snake for acting out it’s true nature. It’s what you know and what you will grow out of.

Hi this is Sadness I’m RSVP’ing to Vernoica’s pity party on the 7th of next month. I can’t make it.

All in all, four months seems insignificant

It is

and the entire situation is all but preposterous.

No-no-no… this is *definitely* preposterous

On the one hand boy needs girl and falls in love, awwwwww. It’s a cloud nine scenario until boy doesn’t do what girl wants.Now they don’t see eye to eye. And it’s because 29+21 don’t equal forever.

29 + 21 actually equals 60 dumbass

It’s because idealism in best case scenario got the best of me. It’s because you need to live before you’re locked down. I truly get it.

Do you?

On the other hand you cast aside a man who was: loyal,

keep going



financially stable,

I’ll never be rich

owns property,

to hide bodies

and made sacrifices of sleep, time, in tears to make you smile.

*Something a girl has never said: I like how much he cries.

The small gestures were tokens and he didn’t care about the money spent for the sleepless nights. He was simple and maybe too simple for you and for what?

Yeah for what?

Hopefully, that’s an answer for your happiness in the future.

Oh fuck that give her some answers.

So congratulations Veronica. You definitely played me and made me feel emotions that have been untouched for years, but thank you as well. You’ve opened my eyes once again to the fact that everything will come to an end at some point. Nothing lasts forever; don’t you forgot it.

Or get buried on the property.

I do appreciate all of the free Sports tickets we’ve enjoyed together, so at least that was dope.

Dope for you!

Enjoy your existence in your small world and live out the dream to perpetuate the lavish life of Veronica. Feel free to hook me up with more tickets next season if you’re still getting them from that internship. It would be cool to see the Bruins in Chicago. The Lakers, Warriors and Rockets (I think LeBron will land there?) should also be in town. Okay, now that’s off my chest.

I love you, but that’s not forever either.

You heard it here first. LeBron to the Rockets.