Belichick's Passive/Aggressiveness is in Peak Form at the Owner's Meetings

No matter who you are or what you do, there are times in your life and career you have obligations that come up you cannot avoid. A birthday party of a weird kid who has cooties you have to go to because your mom takes yoga with his mom. Mandatory work meetings on the Sexual Harassment and Conflict of Interest policies. I have a buddy in Sales who had to attend these seminars where this Matt Foley-like motivational speaker told a room filled with professional adults that every time someone asks “How are you?” their response should be “Super great! But I’m getting better!!!” True story.

At my old courthouse job we had to take basic First Aid once a year. Including training on a portable defibrillator. Despite the fact those disgruntled, barely functioning alcoholic government hacks I worked with would sooner have used the electric paddles on the thing to heat up their Hot Pockets before they’d take their feet off the desk to go save a life.

Now imagine what it’s like for Bill Belichick to have to go to the Owner’s Meetings every year. This is less like a mandatory work event than God having to come down to Mt. Sinai. I’m sure he liked the Israelites just fine and Moses a lot. But He had to figure out the whole “appearing as a burning bush that is not consumed by the flames” thing and had to write out the Commandments in His own hand. And we’re talking about an Almighty with a whole universe to run.

That has to be what Phoenix is like for Belichick today. I mean, sure, he’s fresh off a championship, so he deigned to sit the annual Coaches’ Photo:

And he was genuinely happy to see the 10 percent of current NFL coaches who were hired directly from his sideline:

But the rest of it is pure drudgery. Way worse than the Creator of Heaven and Earth having to drop everything because some people He freed from bondage are now worshiping animal statues. This is what awaited Belichick:

So he rerouted all the power from his Warp Drive to his Deflector Shields and set his Passive/Aggressiveness to “Kill:”

And when it came to Q & A, he was not playing the game, going almost Full Monosyllable with his A’s, not matter what the line of Q’s was:

I’d almost feel bad for the guys who have to report back to their editors that these are the quotes they managed to get for the plane fare and hotel, but they’re in Phoenix right now spending per diems and I’m sitting in my house wearing a Doctor Who shirt. On the other hand, I’m guessing right now that between Gronk’s retirement, the failure to land a half dozen free agents and his boss choosing The Tug Life, it’s not the best time to be around the man. You pick your poison.

Still, it’s rewarding to see and artist at work. From the safety of 2,500 miles away, No Time for This Bullshit Belichick is always one of my favorite Belichick’s. And it’s good that he’s already in midseason form.