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Breaking: Mr. Kraft Breaks His Silence on The Tug Rule

“In deference to the judicial process, I have remained silent these past several weeks. To correct some of the misinformation surrounding this matter, my attorney made his first public comments on Friday night. I would like to use this opportunity to say something that I have wanted to say for four weeks.

“I am truly sorry. I know I have hurt and disappointed my family, my close friends, my co-workers, our fans and many others who rightfully hold me to a higher standard.

“Throughout my life, I have always tried to do the right thing. The last thing I would ever want to do is disrespect another human being. I have extraordinary respect for women; my morals and my soul were shaped by the most wonderful woman, the love of my life, who I was blessed to have as my partner for 50 years.

“As I move forward, I hope to continue to use the platform with which I have been blessed to help others and to try to make a difference. I expect to be judged not by my words, but by my actions. And through those actions, I hope to regain your confidence and respect.” – Mr. Kraft

And that, my dear friends, is how you do that. This is Sex Scandal Maintenance 101. You apologize in the vaguest way possible. You admit to disappointing others but not what you did to disappoint them. You talk about doing the right thing moving forward with no mention of whether or not you got caught doing the wrong thing. And above all, you do it in a written statement released at a time to give it the least amount of impact. Whenever possible on a Saturday afternoon when everyone is eyeballs deep in the basketball tournament, taking their kids to hockey practice, running errands or otherwise engaged.

Perfectly played, good sir. Well done indeed. Mr. Kraft’s PR team handled this perfectly. And doing it the day before the NFL Owner’s Meeting was a nice touch. Now wherever he goes when he gets asked about The Tug Rule, he can just refer to the statement. Thus, if you’ll pardon the expression, taking the juice right out of the controversy for now.

Granted it won’t satisfy anyone. It won’t make the ravenous rabble of Patriots haters pressuring Ginger Satan to take all their draft picks away and force the best owner in the league to give up the most successful franchise. To them, nothing less than the man calling a press conference with a full play-by-play, Xs & Os breakdown of the surveillance video with telestrator describing all the action followed by him firing Bill Belichick and releasing Tom Brady then committing Seppuku will suffice.

I’m talking about the people who will settle for nothing less than this:

But this isn’t for those maniacs. This is for his fans and his team so they can take the first step toward moving on from a 77-year-old man getting a handie from a consenting 58-year-old professional handie lady and onto winning Banner 7.

Free Mr. Kraft!