Drunk Chick Crashes Into Two Cars, Tells Cops "I Just Want To Cuddle"
Newport – A Newport woman was charged with driving under the influence after she allegedly got into an accident with two other vehicles early Tuesday morning. No injuries were reported. Around 1:55 a.m. police were dispatched to Carey Street for a report of an accident and found 30 year-old Heather Gardner in the drivers seat of a Jeep Wrangler that had significant damage to the front. When police asked if she was injured she allegedly responded “You have to understand, I just want to cuddle.” Police reported her eyes were bloodshot and watery and she smelled of alcohol. “I’ve had too much to drink and I shouldn’t be driving,” Gardner allegedly told police. She then began crying and reportedly said, “I’m not a bad person, I just wanted to pick up the lazy man to cuddle with.” When asked if she would take the field sobriety tests, she began to cry and said “What’s the point? I’m drunk, what will that solve?” She agreed to the field sobriety tests but reminded police that she had a lot to drink. During the field sobriety tests she reportedly told police she was not a bad person and asked them not to call her mother. “I don’t drink and drive often, otherwise I’d be good at it,” she told police.
Score one for friend-zoned dudes everywhere. You ARE a bad person, Heather Gardner. The worst. You got some serious balls texting some sap at 2am on a Tuesday that you’re coming by to “cuddle”. Fuck you. You’re 30 years old. Time to grow up and start fucking for the things you want. And you’re gonna badmouth the dude? Call him lazy? Guy’s gotta work in a couple hours and was committed to pissing away his beauty sleep to hold your hair out of the bowl before hearing what a great guy he is. Then get blue-balled. Again. No reason to slam him because you suck at drunk driving. Maybe if you put some pussy on the table, your “lazy man” would’ve told you to stay put & came to get you. For sex, your safety and well-being is of paramount concern. See, ladies, everybody wins when you put out. Stick with that “cuddle” bullshit though and karma’s gonna get you sooner or later.