"My vagina is a 36 Long."
Morning.
I don’t understand how women work.
Just don’t.
And I am not talking about emotionally, or spiritually, or psychologically… I am talking about physically.
I grew up in a house with traditional Irish parents and two equally clueless brothers, so there was never a customary health class where my dad would take out diagrams of the female reproductive system and explain each moving part while my mom sat in the corner, facing the wall, and praying the rosary.
Similarly, neither Resurrection Grammar School nor La Salle Academy placed a Franciscan brother at the front of the classroom to put a condom on an instructional banana… I am not saying the banana trick NEVER came up with Catholic lay-people. I am just saying just never in a classroom.
As a result, I have spent my whole life with only a rudimentary understanding of how female “innards” function, and somehow it’s always been enough for me to get by.
All that has changed though because now I have a daughter.
She’s still very young, but at some point, I am going to have to become versed with the changes she’ll eventually experience.
When she comes to me with questions, I can’t immediately refer her to WebMD because she will then tell her mom, and I will never live that down.
My sons are a different story. I probably shouldn’t type this next sentence with so much pride, BUT- I am EXTREMELY familiar with dicks and how they work. And even if one of the boys ever asked me something biologically specific, I have always been able to fake it.
CASE IN POINT: I was having a bowel movement one day, and since my children don’t understand fucking boundaries, my 5-year-old son came bursting into the bathroom with a pressing question that his mother told him would be better tackled by me.
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I was nude, of course, so I immediately draped a towel across my lap in order to make our conversation less creepy, but to also hide the fact that I too have the genitals of a 5-year-old boy.
Anyhoo, my son comes bounding in asking, “Daddy, Daddy… What are these for?”, and he was holding his little testicles in his little hand.
I said to him, “What the fuck are you asking, you goddamned weirdo?”
He replied, “I asked Mommy what these balls do, and she told me to ask you.”
I then said, “Ooooooooh… Okay. You see, son. Your penis is like a flashlight, and your balls are kinda the things that help the flashlight work.”
He said, “You mean like batteries?”
I said, “CORRRRECT! They are EXACTLY like batteries. Your balls are the batteries that provide the power to make your penis/flashlight work.”
To which he said, “Thanks, Dad!”, and skipped away.
I was VERY proud of myself for that answer, and I give everyone reading this now my express written permission to use a similar answer when confronted by their son at any time in the future.
The pride I felt after this answer matched the confusion I had when I was driving through Times Square last week and I saw a billboard for this…
What the fuck is a Diva Cup?
Better still- What the fuck would I tell my daughter if she were to ask me what a Diva Cup is?
Maybe I am just naive. Maybe Diva Cups are part of the regular lexicon. Uncle Chaps immediately knew what they were when I brought them up on Podfathers earlier this week, but keep in mind:
1) Chapsy has a couple of daughters older than mine.
2) He’s a weirdo.
So I won’t be embarrassed about my lack of knowledge regarding something I originally envisioned as some jewel-encrusted goblet Mariah Carey drank out of.
— SIDE NOTE: I have never been a fan of Mariah. She always struck me as the type of woman who had a wide vagina. —
Anyhoo… Back to the Diva Cup. Diva Cups are a feminine hygiene product that is inserted into the vagina during menstruation in order to prevent menstrual fluid from leaking onto clothes. They are made of flexible medical grade silicone and shaped like a bell with a stem… That stem is used for insertion and removal.
Reading this definition and attaching the pic above makes me feel the way I feel whenever I bone up on the finer points of vaginal fluid.
— SECOND SIDE NOTE: I think we all know J-Woww’s gag reflex is long gone. —
But I have to say to the handful of women reading right now… “Fucking BRAVO!”… The way you combat that biological disaster every month and still stay (relatively) sane is a testament to your gender. And I imagine it must INFURIATE you when some non-menstruating guy decides he no longer identifies as male and takes up the mighty female gauntlet even though he-now-she can’t fathom the amount of defense you need to play every month against the true Crimson Tide.
So now that you know what a Diva Cup is… Before you rush out to buy one for either yourself or a loved one, consider Diva is not the only menstrual cup on the market.
Not only that, but different brands are better fitted for different vaginas (which apparently have sizes).
In order to help you out, I thought I would give you this little guide to cups I came across…
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As you can see, the MeLuna Shorty is clearly made for women who have a problem with length…
Whilst our good friends at Diva have gone through great lengths to accommodate vaginas of great lengths…
(Elle was a 6-footer)
And finally, the Lena Cup is best for those of you with wide vaginas. Like you-know-who…
Take a report.
-Large
Two Last Things:
1) Another edition of EXTRA LARGE on Barstool GOLD drops at 10 AM today…
2) I am launching my own interactive bracket next week for those who are done with the tournament… Detailed description this weekend… Four separate bracket break-downs next week… Interactive part drops Friday with results to soon follow.
TAR
-L