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Bernie Sanders Sustains Horrific Head Wound Due To His Outrageously Old Age

Bernie Sanders is the white male equivalent of that little league world series pitcher, Danny Almonte. Dude, you’re like fifteen years older than you say you are. But I still love this guy. No matter what the world throws at him—gravity, time, shower doors—he won’t give in. Who cares about politics? This is about a dude who hit his head SO HARD on a shower door that he needed seven stitches. Let’s put that in perspective.

Two days ago, Big Cat opened the door to the podcast room. I was filling up my refillable, environmentally-friendly water bottle at the cooler. The door slammed into my forehead, sending me crashing backwards. Big Cat gasped and immediately said, “that was your fault” because he has equity and knows he’s the Lord of Barstool and can blame his aggressive injury-inducing door behavior on me. But even though the door crashed into my very thin forehead with the strength of six billion Pardon My Take downloads, I didn’t bleed. Why not? Because I’m not father time. I never rode pterodactyls. I didn’t leave our nation’s capital, Philadelphia, in summer to escape from malaria. I’ve never had a doctor treat my fever by plugging leeches onto my torso.

In short, I’m not Bernie Sanders.

If this guy makes it to 2020, I say we give him the vote. Dude, get home to Vermont more often. Sip on some of that clean maple air. Go for a ski at Suicide Six (that’s a real mountain where we used to ski). And maybe throw down a bath mat with a grippy bottom next time you jump in the shower. Or at the very least, install one of those old-man handicapped bars to hold on to. Hell, people of all ages can enjoy those.

PS- I can’t wait for Larry David to bring him back on SNL. Best character in years.