If You're the Old Guy Asking Women to Stand on Your Stomach in Walmart, the Police Would Like a Word With You

Source – Walterboro Police are asking people to be cautious after reports of odd behavior by a man inside the city’s Walmart Supercenter.

Police said Thursday they’ve received several complaints about an older white man in his mid-60s approaching women in Walmart, and asking them to “stand on his stomach.”

The man even reportedly offered to pay several woman in exchange for the request, police said.

“Although the act itself is not considered criminal, the nature of the request and the individual’s suspicious activity lead to this awareness post,” the Walterboro Police Department wrote on its Facebook page.

The police department says Walmart management has been made aware of the incidents, and reports precautions have been taken to protect customers.

Witness have described the suspicious man as approximately 5-foot-11, 210 pounds, with glasses and gray hair, according to police.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to what kind of an old guy I’m going to be. Because like your finances, your medical care, your estate and so on, you have to plan for these things. You can’t just wake up one day in your mid-60s going “Holy shit! I’m old! And I forgot to prepare for any of it!” or you’re royally screwed because by then it’ll be too late.

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And here is one option I can cross off the list. Approaching female strangers in a store and offering them money to stand on your stomach is a hard no from me, Dawg. I’m going to assume it’s a sexual thing, but who who knows? It just stands to reason that nobody does anything that bizarre unless it’ll lead to a jerk off session later on, right? I can’t imagine there could be any other motivation. So while being virile and healthy enough to still have orgasms is legitimate goal of every aging male, I highly recommend you keep the ones that include women standing on your stomach for money behind closed doors and out of the retail stores.

Because if there’s one rule about fetishes, it’s that the Creep Factor goes up exponentially with age. I mean, if say, Chris Hemsworth approached a young lady with a request that he lie down on his back so she could stand on the cobblestone-like surface of his rock hard abs, odds are she’d be flattered. But now have 65-year-old retiree Jerry Thornton make the same offer and it’s a face full of pepper spray. Deservedly so.

Which means it’s back to the drawing board for this guy. I’ve already crossed off a few options. I won’t be the guy in the fishin’ hat who smokes a pipe and calls my wife “Mother.” I won’t be the guy who stands under any ladder and jibber-jabbers with the guy standing on it about what he’s working on and telling him what kinds of tool he should be using (for some reason that’s a real common one). I won’t play chess in the park or cribbage anywhere. And for sure I won’t be getting stood on in Walmart.

So thanks, anonymous pervert. You’ve repulsed a lot of shoppers in Maine, but you’ve actually done me a favor.