Delaware, which is a state, recently earned a modicum of national attention for the first time ever when the Princeton Review named the University of Delaware, which is a college, the “No. 1 party school in America” based on an absence of data and metrics.
If you’re still confused, Delaware is the official name given to one of the 50 states of the United States of America. Here it is on a map if you don’t believe me.
Since that probably didn’t help you too much, here it is under an Olympus CX5000 microscope:
With a trio of counties and just as many “cities” to boot, Delaware is, in fact, a real place where at least multiple people live, but it hides in the foul-smelling, triangular crevice created by the backside of Maryland and the rancid anuses of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
And nestled somewhere in the middle of New Castle County, which is colloquially referred to as Delaware’s dick head, is the oddly-placed campus of the number one party school in the nation.
Newark, the tiny settlement where UD is located, has historically offered a wide void of entertainment and nightlife options for boredom-seeking college kids looking to expand their apathy and strengthen their will to die.
The students who don’t wish to take advantage of the town’s thrilling undocumented “trails,” gravel roads, monumental stones, and two-bedroom meth houses disguised as “science centers,” AKA every single one of them, have been left with no other options but to create their own fun on their own properties.
And to say they accomplished that would be a massive understatement. The complete and utter lack of things to do in the town, and the whole state for that matter, sparked a phenomenon that saw UD’s entire enrollment, and probably a handful of townies and staties as well, flocking to these student-thrown day parties (I refuse to use the word d*ge) on a weekly basis.
As you can see from the description above, which appears to have been written by a 45-year-old undercover cop who just binge watched “I’m Shmacked” videos on YouTube for the first time, these daytime “ragers” at UD are the driving force, and the only force, that not only keeps the school’s social scene alive, but gives the students a reason to stay alive (and not kill themselves).
Which brings me to the only reason I would ever sacrifice my time and energy to acknowledge the unbearably bland existence of such a forgettable state (Delaware; in case you already forgot):
I’m sincerely worried that many of the students might actually start killing themselves if something isn’t done soon about this law that’s supposedly going to permanently put an end to all of UD’s day parties.
Most of you probably already know about this. Dave already wrote about it. But I feel the need to bring more attention and awareness to such a life-threatening issue while highlighting the fact that these poor kids have NOTHING else going for them. They NEED our help.
According to my Delaware correspondent, the local scene is absolute chaos. The campus is in shambles. The Blue Hens are bluer than ever. It’s a tragedy that’s driving college kids to use phrases like “dismantling d*ge culture.”
Greek Life hasn’t been in this bad of a state since the Battle of Corinth in 146 BC. Delta Gammas are frantically painting strongly-worded notes to the city council on coolers and banners. Mark McClafferties are storming into government meetings with research-based history facts.
There’s a petition to fight the law that already has over 12K signatures.
The student body is banding together to strategically plan protests.
And with St. Patrick’s Day, the largest party holiday of the school year, coming up this Saturday, the circumstances are getting unbelievably dire.
You know things are FAR from good when the most overconfident group of men in the history of humanity is “too scared” to do something. These students need our help. Their families and loved ones need our help. But what if we’re not powerful enough to stop the City of Newark and their tyrannical laws?
Well there is a glimmer of hope…
The ONLY time the phrase, “Chad to the rescue” could ever hold any merit is if it’s referring to the attempted rescue of something involving binge drinking, binge fucking, or binge partying. This is a GREAT sign for UD kids. A light at the end of the tunnel if you will. If there’s one person or entity that could singlehandedly save “d*ge culture” on a college campus, it’s a large-cocked verified Instagram user named Chad.
But still. Pray for Delaware. Sign the arbitrary petition. Have some empathy.
I really don’t want to hear about bodies washing up on Pea Patch fucking Island.