Casting The Attitude Era Wrestling Movie With Robbie Fox

KenJac3/14/2019 4:00 PM

Considering how much fun I had casting the ultimate 80’s wrestling movie, I decided why not take a stab at my childhood era too? Just like last time, I had Robbie Fox take a look at my choices grade my work. Reader note: Part of the hypothetical is that you can age up/down and bulk people up with prosthetics.

Bradshaw – Ethan Hawke (Training Day)
Farooq – Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix)

Robbie: A – STRONG start to the casting blog with the tag team of Hawke and Fishburne making up the two badass mothafuckas that are the APA. No doubt they’d lay down the law.

Stone Cold – Thanos

Robbie: A+ – Would it be Austin 3:3, or Austin 16:16? Or Austin 3:16-3:16? You know, perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

Imagine a middle finger and a Stunner with the Gauntlet on?! Amazing.

Triple H – Sean Bean (Game of Thrones)

Robbie: A- – You’re gonna need some SERIOUS Tony Stark/Hank Pym/Nick Fury de-aging CGI for this to work, but it you got some of that Marvel money, it’s aces.

Mick Foley – Christian Bale (The Dark Knight

Robbie: A+ – Time to get fat again, Bale! This would be AWESOME, and Bale is one of the few actors I feel could accurately display how fantastic and intense Mankind’s old promos were.

Shawn Michaels – Sam Rockwell (Vice)

Robbie: B – I love Sam Rockwell and I’d put him in just about anything. Resemblance here is so-so, but Sammy turns the swagger up a little and starts hitting the gym? He’s the Heartbreak Kid in no time.

The Undertaker – Vince Vaughn (True Detective S2)

Robbie: C- – I’ll be honest…Vince Vaughn as The Undertaker stinks. Sorry KenJac. It’d be a hilarious watch, though, so I’m in, I guess.

Billy Gunn – Rune Temte (The Last Kingdom)

Robbie: D – Yo, all due respect, what the fuck is up with this dude’s face? His face looks like it was taken into Microsoft Word and dragged vertically but not horizontally. Dafuq?

Road Dogg – Woody Harrelson (No Country for Old Men)

Robbie: A+ – Yeeeeeeeeeeep! The Road Dogg Jesse James seems like the role Woody Harrelson was born to play. It’s basically just him. This rules.

Kane – The Mountain

Robbie: A- – In the Attitude Era, Kane was masked up, so this works just fine (especially plays up just how imposing he was at the time), but how about you give The Mountain a double casting and make him play BOTH Brothers of Destruction: Kane and The Undertaker! Fuck that Wedding Crashers shit!

Christian – Dennis Quaid (The Day After Tomorrow)

Robbie: A- – This is one of those picks that just cements KenJac as a casting legend. Dennis mothafuckin Quaid as Christian from the WWE. I guarantee you KenJac is the only human being alive to ever make a correlation between these two, but it’s pretty much perfect. God damn. Respect.

Big Show – Ralph Ineson (Game of Thrones)

Robbie: C- – I dunno how this would work but I’d love for them to just throw ol’ Ralphy in a horrible fat suit, put him on stilts, and call it a day. We’re finally getting around to making the movie I wanted to see all along!

Edge – Matthew Lillard (Scooby-doo)

Robbie: B+ – I’m reluctantly giving this a good grade because it really feels like KenJac is doing my guy Edge dirty here, but there’s an undeniable resemblance for sure. Fuck, man. Edge really look like this pussbag?

Jericho – Pat McAfee (Jean Shorts)

Robbie: B – I never saw this resemblance, I guess because I was always distracted by the McAfee/Triple H resemblance, but I don’t hate this at all. There’s no doubt in my mind Pat would fully commit to the role and bring the perfect energy to the Ayatollah of Rock N Rolla character, therefore, breaking the walls down.

Matt Hardy – Josh Hartnett (40 Days and 40 Nights)
Matt Hardy - James Marsden (X-Men)

Robbie: C- – This Hardy Boyz casting ain’t great, but I don’t have any clue as to how you could do it better. Seems like an incredibly hard two to find lookalikes for. Just make sure the hair is always in these two’s faces, and you’re all good. They’ll be motion blurred most of the flick, anyway, while they’re diving off everything they could find.

Kurt Angle – John C. Reilly (Step Brothers)

Robbie: A – Terrifying. At the same time, pretty god damn great, and now I can’t stop picturing John C. Reilly delivering the line, “…with a broken fricken neck!”

Considering how many funny segments and promos Angle had back then (tiny cowboy hat, milk truck, etc.), I think this works like a charm.

D-Von – Craig Robinson (Hot Tub Time Machine)
Bubba Ray – Kevin James (Paul Blart Mall Cop)

Robbie: A+ - The Dudley Boyz serving as this flick’s comedic relief duo is everything I never knew I needed until now. This is absolutely fucking perfect. Bravo, KenJac, bravo!

Shane McMahon – Karl Urban (Star Trek)

Robbie: D – Meh! Don’t love it! I think you need somebody a little younger as Shane in the Attitude Era.

Vince McMahon – Bobby Flay (Chef man)

Robbie: B- - Moving up from a C+ the last time KenJac casted Bobby god damn Flay as Vince McMahon, I guess I’m just being beat into submission here. Homeboy that cucked Ari Gold is officially just the Chairman of the Board in the WWF Cinematic Universe I guess.

The Rock – Dwayne “D.J.” Johnson (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle)

Robbie: F – I don’t know what KenJac was thinking with this one. Dwayne Johnson looks absolutely nothing like The Rock, and there’s no way he could pull off the role. It’s shocking that he could do so well on the whole blog and do so poorly here. Shame!