First off, I say “Deviant” not because I find the homosexual lifestyle to have some sort of intrinsic deviance. Quite the opposite, in fact. Love is love, and I think people need to disregard gender and just concentrate on finding someone they truly adore, and then enter into them (metaphorically speaking, of course).
Find that small hole within your loved one’s heart and stick yourself inside that hole as many times as you want (metaphorically).
I mean, REALLY get deep into that hole, to show just how much you love that person and how much you appreciate them giving you consent to enter repeatedly into their (metaphorical) hole.
Some people’s heart-holes are at first very guarded or “tight” if you will, but the courting process and life experiences you’ll eventually share will provide the “emotional lubricant” needed in order for you to get deeper and deeper into your loved one’s hole. But be patient, my young lovers… Sometimes your significant other can be slow to self-lubricate (emotionally). And the worst thing you can do in that instance, even with full consent, is to try and force yourself into their un-lubricated holes… It’s the emotional equivalent of spitting into your own hand (emotionally metaphorical).
— I kinda went down an innuendo rabbit-hole there for a sec… Apologies. —
Back to my original point- I say “Deviant” in the title because these 3 gentlemen I will mention below are performing homosexual acts for deviant and often-times illegal reasons.
Similarly, there are many deviant heterosexuals… Both prostitutes AND their Johns immediately spring to mind simply because their practice is (unfortunately to some) illegal and therefore deviates from what is accepted by society… No matter how rich you are.
Anyhoo… Let’s get back to that title- Every Middle-Aged White Guy Is A Homosexual Deviant. I say “Every,” and unlike my rational explanation for “Deviant”, my reason for using the word “Every” is that I just needed a stupid exaggeration to add to the clickbait persona of this blog that I was going for. With minimal digging, I found in a 2017 nationally representative survey organized by Kantar TNS, that 87% of American men aged 18 to 30 years identified as heterosexual, 7% as homosexual, 4% as bisexual, and 1% as other.
— I just did the math on those survey results that only add up to 99%, and although the 1% who call themselves “other” certainly intrigue me, I am more impressed by the unmentioned other 1% that told the pollsters to go fuck themselves. —
That 7% number seems like a little on the light side, to be honest. And this survey is also 2 years old and not representative of just the whites or “oldies” that I plan on talking about. But either way, this out-dated and incomplete survey still helps show just how ridiculous my “Every Middle-Aged White Guy” part of the title really is.
So we’re now clear what I don’t mean by “Every”.
I guess “Middle-Aged” means anyone over 40 years old (if you ask people in this office).
By “Homosexual” I simply mean these gents have had, allegedly have had, or at least offered to have sex with the same gender.
And we’re also clear what I mean by “Deviant”.
The only word left in that title that has gone undefined is “White”, and that one is going to be a toughy considering the first guy I will eventually highlight, but more on that in a bit.
What has spurred me to write this blog was the fact that I caught up on some TV this week, and the 3 shows I watched all had that underlying theme my title suggests.
The first was the HBO documentary on Michael Jackson called Leaving Neverland which wound up being 4 hours of absolute creepiness.
—- By the way, you can’t spell “creepiness” without “penis”. —-
The allegations of the 2 men within the documentary are just that- Allegations. And there is a chance that we will never find out the truth behind whether MJ had molested the young boys in question (which COULD be considered deviant homosexuality IF these multiple allegations are true).
But we do get some enthralling drone footage of the private amusement park where he took these kids before he may OR MAY NOT have performed unspeakable acts on them while a pet chimpanzee looked on.
—- By the way again, you can’t spell “amusement park” without “semen”… Choke on that for a while (metaphorically). —-
Getting back to the “White” in the title- You may ask, “But Large, Michael Jackson isn’t white?”
To which I would answer, “Shut up.”
In the same way Bruce Jenner once identified as a man but is now clearly comfortable as Caitlyn, Michael had clearly embraced his “inner whitey” before his untimely death. And for whatever medical reason (vitiligo) people may cite, MJ went from this…
So he’s a white guy in my book.
I respect what is in your book, so don’t bother questioning mine. And at the end of the day, whether or not Jackson was white is probably the least enthralling debate surrounding the King of Pop right now.
Moving on to the second deviant, There was a documentary about the Fyre Festival that admittedly I did not watch because Barstool rightfully beat the show to death already, so I feel as if I already watched it multiple times.
So there’s this guy…
Homosexual?… I GUESS! (or at least “fully prepared” to give it a whirl)
Deviant?… Well, let me ask you- Is blowing a guy for a case of bottled water deviant?… CHECK!
Okay, last one…
After a couple of recommendations, I finally sat down to watch Abducted In Plain Sight on Netflix.
I had a real problem with the guy who abducted the same girl twice in plain sight.
I had a real problem with the mother of that girl sleeping with her daughter’s abductor.
But I had the biggest problem with this guy…
I assume if you’re still reading you either saw the show or you really don’t give a fuck about spoilers, but the fact that the father of the abducted girl jerked off the guy that kidnapped his daughter TWICE doesn’t sit well with me.
Listen, we’ve all been there… Sitting parked in a secluded area in your buddy’s car listening to him complain about his lack of full releases. And then there are probably a HANDful of us who took matters into our own HANDS and gave that same friend what you thought was a non-gay but much needed HANDjob.
It’s a tale as old as time.
BUT to have that innocent situation sullied by the fact that you were actually digitally pleasing the man who would abduct your teenage daughter, and not your best friend from high-school named Jeremy, who never calls you anymore?… Well, that’s just disgusting.
Speaking of Jeremy, I know I said there would be only 3 gentlemen in this Every Middle-Aged White Guy Is A Homosexual Deviant blog, but I have one more guy to add… A 47 year old father of three who originally taped the Grammy’s last month just so he could watch it without the commercials BUT who has kept it on his DVR just for the footage of Ricky Martin.
Homosexual?… NOPE! (but only because Ricky hasn’t returned my calls)
Deviant?… Well, let me ask you- Is watching Ricky Martin dance with the sound off while your wife and kids are asleep upstairs deviant?… CHECK!
Take a report.
– Going to preview Garcia vs Spence Jr later today.
– Another episode of EXTRA LARGE drops on Barstool GOLD today… Total coincidence, but it’s the story of the first time I ever had a finger shoved in my ass.
Don’t be deviant. Sign up.
– Barstool Breakfast is hosting a happy 2 hours at Bar 9 in Hell’s Kitchen tonight from 5-7PM. It’s a kickoff to Paddy’s Day Weekend, so there will be live music and shit.
– Latest episode of Podfathers dropped a couple days ago, and I think it was pretty funny if you want to check it out here…