Who Puts Mayo On A Hot Dog

Screen Shot 2019-03-11 at 12.41.56 PMWah wah wah you Chicago guys talk so much about food. Newsflash fuckstick it’s delicious and the more you complain the more likely I am to slather this blog in hollandaise and tell you how much I enjoy it.

Big issue now is mayo on a hot dog. It’s the first time in my life I’m hearing about this and was a key subject in Eddie’s outstanding blog on White Sox Dave crushing, literally and figuratively, the hot dogs at an Arizona gas station.

Personally I’m not a hater on gas station food because we’ve all been there. No one’s proud. We just want to spend $1.99 on lunch and get on with our lives. Not everything is some fucking beauty pageant.

Anyways, there’s something weird going on in Arizona that I can’t wrap my head around. The gas station ONLY sells Hot Dogs buns that come pre-slathered in mayo.


Screen Shot 2019-03-11 at 12.48.26 PMIt’s not a joke. It’s not a mayo robot or some other kind of convenient explanation. The only bun you can buy comes with two tablespoons of mayo spread on both sides. I’ve never seen this move so I asked the cash register person. I said hey Lady what’s with all the mayo buns? She told me it’s their Bread n Butter. I said No it’s your Bread n Mayo. She’s still laughing.

Anyways turns out some kid named Billy comes in for like 8 hours a week and all he does is prep the hot dog buns with mayo. All of them, and there were a lot of fucking hot dog buns. Just sitting around, all drenched in mayonnaise like it’s 1953 and dad’s home from the Korean War. People loved mayo back then. Mayo this. Mayo that.

download (1)I remember when I found out mayo was the secret ingredient to Portillos chocolate cake. What a rush. I remember thinking mayo has no business being around a chocolate cake and I was v, v wrong. Maybe I’m wrong about hot dogs too. And maybe I’m not. Either way zero percent chance Helman’s ever makes it to my Hot Dog bun. I got cute yesterday with a Dodger Dog and learned my lesson in the process. I can’t come back from that and start putting mayo on my dogs. I have a reputation to protect for better or worse and I’m firmly taking a stance now that putting mayo on a hot dog should be punishable by death. Hey carl how’d you solve Healthcare. Easy. I killed all the mayo hot dog people.