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The Runtimes For The First Two Episodes Of This Season's Game Of Thrones Have Been Revealed And It Is Some Goddamn Bullshit

via HBO

My official statement regarding this news:

What the hell is this shit, HBO? When you said the final season of Thrones was going to take YEARS to complete, we understood. Why rush the endings of one of the greatest shows in television history? And when you said that you were going to have 2 shortened mini-seasons to end the series instead of 2 regulation ten episode seasons, we said okay, partially because we were told that every episode in the last season was going to pretty much be a 90+ minute feature-length movie.

But now you are already 0-for-2 in episodes that even hit the 60 minute mark, with one going only 54 minutes long. I get that this season is probably going to be nothing but the hits, nothing but the hits, nothing but the motherfucking hits. No scenes that drag on like Sam and Gilly looking for a book or Arya mopping floors. I don’t even want any sex scenes in this final season. Give me straight carnage from the time that incredible opening them is done until the credits roll with my brain trying to process what the fuck just happened. Seeing N or SSC in the preview screen for the episode will just mean less time for dragons, White Walkers, whatever crazy ass creatures from our nightmares the White Walkers are bringing with them, and maybe even direwolves fucking shit up along with all of the characters we are WAY too invested in. If I want tits and ass, I will go back to the early seasons when it was pretty much a weekly softcore porn. Okay, maybe we have time for one or two non-incestous sex scenes. But the bottom line is HBO is the most messed up drug dealer ever. They got a bunch of addicts hooked, made us wait 2 years for our next hit, and then acted like its business as usual with two 50-something minute episodes in an already shortened season. That’s messed up, even for a show full of terrors like Game of Thrones.

However if you want to spinzone all this, we are officially close enough to the final season of Game of Thrones that it appears in you TV’s guide menu. I am truly the Jesse Spano “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so…scared” gif because once the final season starts, there’s nothing but heartbreak with a slim chance of happiness ahead. Here’s to 6 episodes of what are essentially elimination playoff games for some of the most beloved TV characters in history. There’s no turning back now. Time to finish the blog with another overused Jon Snow gif that wasn’t actually a big moment in the show but feels like one because it’s always on Twitter.

h/t deaner