Congrats On The Fornication: Thanks To A New Bill, The Great People Of Utah Will Now Legally Be Allowed To Get Their Bang On


Salt Lake City – The Utah State Legislature is making sex outside of marriage legal.

In a bill cleaning up Utah’s criminal code, lawmakers repealed the misdemeanor crime of fornication. The House passed Senate Bill 43 on a 41-32 vote. It previously passed the Utah State Senate and now goes to Governor Gary Herbert for his signature or veto.

The legislature previously passed a bill removing adultery and sodomy among consenting adults as crimes in Utah. Rep. Paul Ray, R-Clearfield, said court rulings have found the laws are unenforceable and it was time to remove them from the books.

The year is 2019 and the state of Utah is ready to heckin’ party. First up it was BYU getting rid of their ban on Coca-Cola a couple of years ago. And now everybody is all hopped up on caffeine so they’re ready to have one big Suck n’ Fuck Fest. Nothing like guzzling down a nice 2 liter of Coke Zero and taking a one-way trip straight to Pound Town. No layovers or nothing.

Honestly though, good for the people of Utah. They’ve earned the shit out of this one. I mean think about what they’ve been dealing with. To the east of them is Colorado. Marijuana (science term for the devil’s lettuce) has been legal in Colorado since the dawn of time. People have been smoking that shit up every day, and the good people of Utah can barely get their hands on a Dr. Pepper without needing to go to a speakeasy. Then to the west of them, there’s Nevada which has Las Vegas. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Las Vegas or not but it’s pretty much bone o’ clock any time and any place you want in that city. Just titties and dicks flopping around everywhere. Meanwhile you catch the death sentence in Utah if you decide to get your freak own before you’re married.

So for the people of Utah to have to live between those two states for so long just seeing what life beyond the walls is truly like? Well I’m happy for them. I genuinely am. The only issue is I feel like we really need to be on the lookout for the Utes right now. They’re kind of like the kid who never drank in high school and then shows up to college for the first time and gets absolutely obliterated to the point where they’re only about 13% human. I just don’t want the people of Utah to start fuckin’ themselves to death right now, ya know? Take it easy, lube up, don’t forget to stretch.