Hit-Piece of Shit

Large3/07/2019 1:12 AM

Good evening, everyone.

I know Keith wrote about it earlier, and maybe some others have written about it since, but I wanted to take a quick second to write a little bit about this latest hit-piece DEADSPIN wrote about Barstool.

This won’t be another “Barstool loves Barstool” blog because, like most of you, I don’t universally like EVERYTHING that comes out of the mother ship.

Managerially, I respect the powers-that-be here a whole lot (Dave, Erika, etc), and I appreciate the hustle of all the people on the second floor who are getting both clients in the door and content on the air.

However, creatively, I don’t care for some of the stuff we do here mainly because I am nowhere near being the target audience. Similarly, I know anything I put out on any platform in Barstool is an instant-skip for some of my peers who find my voice, face, and/or writing style unpalatable.

Specifically, I don’t like Francis very much, so I avoid his mindless drivel. Likewise, St Francis Is-A-Sissy* avoids my brilliance primarily because he is intimidated by my effortless muscularity.

If I worked in a place where everything I produced was loved by all of my co-workers and vice versa, it would have to be a place where I only churned out vapid blogs filled with stuff that caters to people who always drive the speed limit with their seatbelts firmly fastened and who rely solely on missionary for all their sexual position needs… ie DEADSPIN (probably).

To be 100% honest with you, I read this latest hit piece while at a red light, and while the young lady who wrote it was certainly in her right to express her views, it just seems like she has fallen into that pretentious tiger-trap of unfunny that (I guess) resonates with a lot of bearded 20-something touch-holes nowadays. As a result, I couldn’t get more than a paragraph or two into it before I had to stop… Partially because the light turned green, but mostly because I got the feeling this was written by a broad who has gone her whole life never eating a sandwich without the crusts cut off. And it became abundantly clear that this opinion on my company was not just from the perspective of someone who routinely calls the cops to break up any party she wasn’t invited to, but also from the perspective of someone who poisons an aquarium because the fish were having “too much fun.“

I just went back to the article, and again, I was unable to pour through all the “McSweeney’s-light” writing style, but I did come across 1 revelation: The author of this literary NyQuil is actually a man, but in my defense, HE has an adorable child as his avatar A child who could be easily be mistaken for a lady through my elderly racist eyes.

Also in my defense, he writes like a soccer mom who just asked to see the manager at Chili’s because the free salsa was “way too spicy.”

I did scan through to see if I was mentioned in particular because I like to know such things, and it turns out, I was hyperlinked with the word “racist” about halfway down his/her blog.

The link led you back to one of the old articles they wrote about me (I think there were 2 written, but I can’t be sure because they write about Barstool quite a bit and the stuff they write is pretty forgettable). As a result, I don’t mind poking fun at the now clearly male author of this blog because his firm obviously started it.

I was minding my business so many months ago… Quietly writing about a Mexican family I assaulted with a puddle… And BOOM! I got labeled an “old racist weirdo” by a table-for-one vegan who apparently gave himself a Mad Libs For Touchy Know-It-Alls for Kwanza but filled out the card as if it was given to him by one of his 4 cats.

It was not without its positives though because they did post this pic of me, and I have been told it is “straight fire“…

DRIP, DRIP.

And, unbeknownst to DS, their centerfold on me was the eventual muse for this wildly viral Instagram pic I posted last year…

I just wished they used this next picture of me at my most old… most weird… and (secretly) my most racist…

But getting back to this latest piece (of shit)…

Here’s my problem with this whole nonsense… Barstool’s sole business is trying to make money by keeping people entertained. To that end, we often dance the line of “inappropriate”. This can be a guilty pleasure for some, and for some reason, that guilty pleasure oftentimes causes a lot of pearl-clutching for the people at DS.

So much so, they feel an undying need to become some sort of moral police and besmirch the content we already unapologetically sullied ourselves… I was going to say “soiled ourselves” instead of “sullied” back there, but I haven’t soiled myself in weeks.

But I am not mad at it… At all.

I am just curious what these people do for their own guilty pleasures because we all know there is NO WAY this bag of soup would be SOOOOO hypocritical as to write such high-horse bullshit and then secretly listen to the Call Her Daddy podcast in the backseat of his Nissan Leaf with some lotion and a custom wet/dry Dustbuster… NO WAY that happens.

I can’t believe that the writers and commenters at DS lead such boring and uneventful lives that they need to judge our little operation from afar… And I say from afar because I never see them mention some of the inarguably wonderful things Barstool does which starts with the lives Zero Blog Thirty has saved and most recently ended with the money KFC raised for the family of a fallen firefighter… And there have been a host of equally noble events in between.

So outside if peeking in our window, what do this author and his boyfriend do for fun?

—- I realize I typed “boyfriend” just there… I really am having a tough time with my initial assumption that he is a lady, plus I don’t want to assume this guy identifies as someone who enjoys heterosexual intercourse. Sex doesn’t have a gender for me. Nor does it have a color. It does, however, have a very distinct smell… (You all know what I mean.) If Blaine is straight, my apologies. —-

Do they ever do anything they are ashamed of?

Let each others’ hairs down, and just shout semi-insulting ethnic slurs like “CHINA-MAN!!!!” into their pillows?

Maybe they get a couple of pots full of grease and have a rousing bout of “Catch That Pig”?

My point is: Whatever their peccancy is, I don’t judge. “Live and let live“, I always say. My only demand is that they show us that same fucking respect.

And if the powers-that-whatever at DEADSPIN are still in desperate need for a new target, may I recommend you check out PornHub… That place has been degrading women by the LIT-TER-ALL bucket-load, and you just might learn a thing or three.