It's A Miracle! West Virginia Church Burns Down But These Bibles Go Unharmed

GRANDVIEW, WV —  When firefighters arrived at Freedom Ministries Church in Grandview, West Virginia they were left stunned by what they saw. A devastating fire — so hot that firefighters had to back out at one point — was ravaging through the building.

But as they went through the charred wreckage, they noticed something extraordinary. “In your mind, everything should be burned, ashes. Not a single bible was burned and not a single cross was harmed!!” the department wrote. “Though the odds were against us, God was not,” the firefighters added. No firefighters were injured in the operation.

It’s been a hot minute since I went deep on the Bible so excuse any glaring misinformation. But last time I checked the Bible was very clear on publicity stunts in the Book of Pageviews:

Thou who promotes thy one True Savior, unto you Bounty will HE bestow.

God was  also once quoted saying  “So let it be written. So let it be done.” Ipso facto you’ve got a wringing endorsement from the Big Fella to spread the Word how you see fit. Even if it means Aggravated Arson

“The cause of the fire is still unclear.”

Religion is about two things: Truth and capitalizing random words. Not to be overly blasphemous but with Ash Wednesday projections at an all time low I’m comfortable calling bullshit. Nice thing is God has a longstanding policy on Forgiveness so if I’m wrong I’ll go back to the well at confession. That’s a Catholic Old Hockey Trick but I digress.

The point is I smell funny business and the stink is all over the Freedom Ministries donation basket. Paper burns folks.

That’s not science that’s common sense. And we don’t abandon common sense because it’s convenient. We abandon it for magic tricks and magic tricks only:

Which brings me to my next point. When will Religion and Magic officially get into bed? It’s a natural partnership. If I was good at magic I’d be peddling eternal salvation in an arena twice the size of Joel Osteen’s.

Come for the Gospel, stick around for the slight of hand tricks. Imagine a pastor making the Eucharist disappear when he lifts it up and then boom it’s in your mouth. Little do you know God put it there, and now he wants you to tithe the Church of Carl 15% of your monthly take home pay. Come get saved.