Barstool’s Champions League Preview – The “Important Reminder: PSG Blew a 4-0 Lead” Edition

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies

Hi Haters™,

Let’s get right down to business. I’ve been taking nervous poops every 15-20 minutes all morning so no time to waste before nature is gonna come calling once again.



Quick reminder of the scores from the initial legs:


Usually there are at least a couple massive blowouts in the first half of the home-and-home that essentially makes the second leg meaningless. However, since Arsenal managed to avoid Bayern this year we pretty much have everything still to play for in all eight of the R16 matchups, which is borderline bonkers.

Some silly geese will try to argue otherwise pointing to Spurs up 3-0 on Dortmund, PSG up 2-0 heading home versus United and/or Atletico up 2-0 on Juventus.

Anybody with a couple brain cells to rub together knows better than to think any of those are done and dusted though considering Tottenham’s track record in big game, United’s recent run of form and PSG’s injuries, and Juventus being Juventus and more importantly having a pissed off Ronny.


Point being, pretty much every one of these games over the next eight days are going to be awesome and you better start setting up your “offsite meetings” and/or “afternoon doctor’s appointments” accordingly.

Also, PSA: TNT is only showing one game per day because they are capitalist pigs but if you don’t feel like shelling out your hard-earned cash to BR for a stream you can always flip over to Galavision where the non-TNT games are being televised – en español.



Dortmund [-105]
Tottenham [+250]
Draw [+270]

What a difference one goal made. Spurs heading to the Westfalenstadion up only two goals would basically feel like they are starting the game off tied – NOT because of the individual players on the field, who at their best are probably (or at least arguably) better than what BVB can throw out there. Rather because of the club’s long and storied history of shitting the bed in big games. The bigger the stakes the bigger the defecation, usually, which is what makes Fernando Llorente’s late goal putting Spurs up 3-0 – at the time just a cherry on Spurs’ “holy shit they really just did that?” sundae – so huge heading into today’s return fixture. Three goals is a big lead, especially since Tottenham managed to keep a clean sheet, which means that if they can just find a way to slip one goal in then suddenly Dortmund would have to score at least FIVE. Tough task even if Dortmund removes it’s head from its ass and decides to play the BVBabyjesus.


Both teams come in extremely healthy, with Dele Alli the only (likely) notable absence for Spurs while Dortmund will be without Lukasz Piszczek, who has been missed dearly at right back by Ze (Uzzer) Germans.

Why Dortmund could win: (a) Spurs wing backs are bad. Some would argue they are very bad. Ben Davies is too slow, Kieran Trippier doesn’t understand what it means to play defense, Serge Aurier’s brain doesn’t work and Danny Rose is still not the Danny Rose who alongside Kyle Walker (ripip) made up one of the best duos in the game a few years ago. If Dortmund can exploit them (or get the kind of gift Davinson Sanchez handed Arron Ramsey on Saturday) and get an early goal – let alone two – hoooooo doggy, this is going to get interesting and somebody needs to come to my house and take away all my belts and shoelaces. More importantly, (b)


Why Spurs could win: Because once you scratch the disagreeable outer layer (the one with a white/blue jersey with a cock and ball on it) they are actually a very talented team with enough quality that winning zero trophies these last few years will – in retrospect – probably be a legitimate embarrassment. Dortmund are in bad form lately, having won just once of their last five domestic games including Friday’s loss to 15th place Augsburg, and their defense is even more questionable than Tottenham’s.

This is not a fixture (as opposed to a standalone game) that Spurs should lose, period. They haven’t been great lately but did enough everything but Arsenal’s 18 yard box to give fans plenty of confidence. Could Spurs bottle it? Um, duh, it would make a lot of sense for the club to remind everybody who is the boss when it comes to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

As jaded as I am though I just don’t think they will do it. (Famous last words.) Dortmund are going to go for it, which will likely mean plenty of chances for both sides…. but I’ll say Spurs advance on the back of a 2-2 draw.


PS: just in case the highly-improbable-but-by-no-means-impossible happens and Spurs do self-immolate, let’s PLEASE keep in mind it is NOT a “historically big bottle job” because PSG once blew a 4-0 lead – THANK YOU.



Real Madrid [-175]
Ajax [+410]
Draw [+340]

Anybody who watched the first leg between these two teams know that Ajax have a legitimate chance of pulling this out against big bad, 17-time-in-a-row defending champions Real Madrid. The Dutchies got the short end of the stick on a controversial (but ultimately probably correct) decision to rule out an early goal that could have changes things, and either way ended up being the better team throughout most of the game. If they can recreate that kind of performance again – meaning creating a similar number of chances while limiting Madrid to roughly the same number of looks – there is no doubt they would have a good chance of winning.

Actually doing so under the bright lights at the Bernabeu – against a Madrid team out for blood after losing two Clasicos in one week (and three home games on the trot) – is another matter entirely, however, and there is really no telling if Ajax really have the self-belief to get it done. They will benefit from the absence of Sergio Ramos, who is suspended due to a rule so stupid that I was actually out there banging the drum IN FAVOUR of Sergio Ramos

which is REALLY saying something considering what I think of Ramos


but say what you will about Ramos the person, Ramos the player is the consummate winner and without him Madrid could be a little vulnerable.

I don’t know, I’ve gone back and forth on this one. Ajax are good enough that they absolutely could pull this off, and the odds are tasty enough that you’d be almost foolish not to sprinkle some moneys on them… but damit, I have been burned one two three four ten fifty too many times to doubt Real Madrid when the chips are down.

But wait, is Ramos’ deal with the devil still legally binding if Ramos isn’t actually on the field????


Welp, I guess that settles it. I’m going waaaaaaaaaaay out of a limb and saying Ajax to win 2-1……… but Real Madrid to advance in extra time because Champions League Real Madrid is the ultimate cockroach and the only thing that will ever eliminate them from this competition is a nuclear apocalypse.


So that’s what we’ve got for today. Lottttttttttttts more action coming up tomorrow so stay tuned as I’ll be back with another similarly great preview with identically terrible predictions in ~24 hours – unless Spurs lose and I jump out of window, in which case it was really great knowing you guys through the internet for the last five or so years.

Samuel Army