Well, well, well. A lot to unpack here. First of all…newspaper advice columns still exist. That was the first real shock. People are writing into Ask Anna via the US Postal Service(I assume because if you’re reading advice columns in 2019 then you also know how to address an envelope) and people are paying Anna to give this advice, and other people are heeding it…which should change after this article.
I’m really embarrassed about this. My boyfriend of eight years and I were having sex and I farted. It has happened twice and I’m not sure why. The first time we just ignored it and he didn’t say anything. Then the second time, he made a comment about telling him if I’m about to fart on him. We both had been drinking and I said I couldn’t help it. And then we both fell asleep. I feel judged and uncomfortable now because he said something about it. Was he being judgmental and rude to say something about it to me? He also knows I’m uncomfortable with my weight right now. Help. I haven’t said anything to him about his comment but I feel like he shouldn’t have said anything knowing it was embarrassing for me. Why did he have to say something? —TT
Sweet woman! It’s totally OK and normal that you’ve farted twice in the course of EIGHT YEARS of sex. That’s a lot of boning, and when you consider that the average person farts about 14 times a day, (that’s once every 1.7 hours) and sex lasts (generously) 30 minutes with foreplay, the odds are quite good that the two will overlap at some point. You should get a trophy for that low record.
Anna coming out of the gates swinging here with some hardcore facts and figures. 14 farts per day, which is every 1.7 hours. That sounds like it checks out. Except the fact that girls don’t fart. That’s a glaring oversight. Farting, not okay. Farting during sex not okay and certainly not inevitable. What’s next, girls poop too? Sure thing, Anna. Then in the next sentence Anna tries to tell us that sex is supposed to last for 30 minutes. Yeah maybe if you’re Lex Steele or you’ve subscribed to www.getroman.com with the promo code “REDLINE”. If you can’t hold a fart in for the 10 minutes it takes for real people to have sex then you shouldn’t be consulting Anna, you should be consulting a gastroenterologist.
I once farted on a one-night stand. In my defense, though, he totally deserved it. He kept commanding me to come — without paying heed to any of my erogenous zones, mind you. “Get there,” he said over and over, as if my orgasm was a corgi he had spent years carefully training. I got somewhere (read: tried to fake it) but, well, the wind beneath my wings had other plans.
This is actually a pretty good insult…“that guy deserves to get farted on” just kind of makes me laugh. The sentence. But to be able to actually do it, on command, as a fuck you…well that was a shocking little detail to throw in the article. It was a one-night-stand, that the dude ABSOLUTELY just jokes about with his buddy and you’re known as fart girl in certain circles, and now that circle is the entire internet, fart girl.
Next, have a discussion with your boyfriend (not post-coital) and let him know why you feel sensitive about his comment and your body right now, and make your request that if it happens again, you’d appreciate him ignoring it.
This part…this I can get down with in a relationship. Anything you don’t want to discuss you don’t have to, per Anna. Weight gain?…sorry, I’m sensitive about that and prefer not to discuss. Job includes writing a blog about a blog about farting during sex?…please ignore that. Haven’t showered today and smell like puppy piss?…please remove me from this narrative.