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Russia Bans Drinking Beer At Doping Events Because That's Definitely What Caused Them To Test Positive For Steroids During The Olympics

Citing “aggressive” athletes and interference with drug-testing results, Russia has barred sportspeople from drinking alcohol when they’re tested for banned substances.

A post-race beer might help a dehydrated athlete produce a urine sample, but now they’ll have to stick to “large quantities of water” provided by the drug-testers, the Russian anti-doping agency’s deputy CEO, Margarita Pakhnotskaya, said. She told The Associated Press that drinking was a particular problem with track and field athletes.

“It is not very good for athletes’ behavior at doping control, politeness and following the rules,” she said. “They’d be rude, a bit aggressive.”

The Russian agency even found beer could interfere with the results of the “biological passport” program checking athletes for signs of drug use. “Beer influenced it a lot. It could cause or hide some changes,” Pakhnotskaya said, adding there’s no evidence athletes were deliberately trying to manipulate the tests.

Ah yes of course! That’s what was causing all of the failed drug tests during the olympics: beer. I think everyone knows that beer triggers a steroid red flag on doping tests. Barry Bonds? The guy was probably shotgunning beers in the bathroom right before peeing into the cup. Lance Armstrong? Guy was probably loading up on six packs after races. Beer and steroids go hand in hand. The Russians would never in a million years dabble in the arts of cheating.

I respect Russia admitting that they failed the drug tests and then coming up with beer as the excuse. It’s so outrageous that I have no other choice but to respect it. Clean as a whistle. Wipe their records spotless. Russia was the victim here, according to Russia.