Today In Mets News: Brandon Nimmo Got Sick Because He Ate Undercooked Chicken, So The Mets Are Going To Give Him Cooking Lessons

We haven’t even reached March and the Mets are already in full Mets mode. God it feels good to have this circus back in my life. And by good I mean awful with an impending sense of doom at all times. Now I am patiently awaiting my phone notification that Brandon Nimmo has ended up on the 15-day DL IL due to some issue he had cooking food like an adult. Nimmo missing time with Salmonella is currently going off at -110 in Vegas, while a longer stint due to cutting his finger off is going off at +250. But with news that the Mets are going to teach Nimmo how to actually cook, I find a bunch of value in Nimmo missing significant time with 3rd degree burns because he burnt down his house (+400).

My big question is who in the Mets organization is going to teach Nimmo how to cook? Are they going to have him shadow the team caterer? Maybe Nimmo learns how to preheat an oven and read a recipe while the rest of the guys are shagging fly balls? Todd Frazier shows him how to salt and pepper things, Mickey Calloway fucks up the order the ingredients go in, and the bullpen lights the kitchen on fire? Or maybe they bring back an old vet to teach him the ropes in the kitchen and in life? If the Mets want to go that route, I know a free agent with a well-known love of the culinary arts that would help every man on the roster both on the field and off.