Barstool HQ Week In Review: Feuds, Lawsuits, Firings, Broken Promises, Hand Jobs And More
Welcome back to the Barstool HQ Week In Review. Hope everyone had a fun week! There was a lot happening at the office, and the week seemed to fly by. Here are the highlights of the week through the eyes of me.
Monday 2/18
You never know what corner of the Internet we’ll find ourselves feuding with. Monday happened to be pooping gun girl Kaitlin Bennett.
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There were some great jokes made at her expense.
I thought of a good one but never found the right time to tweet it, so I’ll just say it now.
More like Machine Guy Smelly, am I right?
Classic.
Then of course we have our typical feuds like Clay Travis, who so blatantly ripped off a Dave video that it was truly jaw dropping.
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Meanwhile, rumors were SWIRLING around the Internet that David S. Portnoy, founder of Barstool Sports, would be running for President. An anonymous reader email applauded his ability to bring people of all demographics together after his weekend at Daytona.
Unfortunately for America, Team Portnoy released a statement claiming that Portnoy will not be seeking public office.
Over on my side of the office, I was annoying people with my Drake vs. Ronaldo question.
The people spoke and said Ronaldo, but the people are wrong.
Another hot topic of the eventful day: Greenie on the hot seat. The final straw for Dave was his post All-Star game headline that just said “Team LeBron Wins The 2019 All Star Game.”
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I’m rooting for him.
Tuesday 2/19
My day started off with an elevator debate against Kmarko about who’s the better Starbucks customer. He claimed that he was since they always have his order ready and know his name. He’ll chat it up briefly and then leave. But he orders online! Takes a way of ton of human interaction when he’s ordering. I always order at the counter. They say “Hey Tom!” and we chat. They know I always get two coffees. Dave’s order is consistent but I switch it up sometimes; they know I’m a bit of a wild card. Anyway, I totally won the debate.
There were murmurs on the Internet streets that Clay Travis himself, leader of the DBAP movement, reported Marty Mush to the Twitter Police for cyber bullying.
We had Dane Cook swing by the office. Francis was talking shop with his fellow comedian.
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As Francis was sharing comedy stories with Dane, Gaz chimed in with a “Why don’t you tell him about the time you jerked off to him too?” Lots of laughter throughout the office. Funny moment.
But Tuesday was really dominated by mouse, formerly known as White Sox Dave. Manny Machado officially signed with the Padres, putting mouse on the hotseat to fulfill a promise he made a few weeks prior.
He refused to stay true to his word, saying he doesn’t want to deal with going to jail and legal fees. That officially changed his name to mouse.
The only thing that could change the topic from mouse? A groundbreaking lawsuit that Internet legend Stingray Steve is suing Barstool Sports LLC.
And I’d be remiss to not mention the biggest story in America (the world?) Tuesday. I retired from Barstool Smokeshows. You can read my full retirement here. Have tissues ready.
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After radio, I had a disappointing finish to my day. As I was packing up my things ready to leave, I saw Barstool Big Cat, of Pardon My Take fame, waiting for the elevator. Thought for sure we’d get to ride it together, but he left before I could get over there. So disappointing. I wonder what he’s like in real life.
Before going to bed, I put up my last post in Barstool Smokeshows history. No tears, but I was close.
Wednesday 2/20
I wasn’t paying as close attention to office happenings Wednesday as usual. I was in the Survivor zone writing a cast assessment blog that took five hours. But we did have a few highlights. The good people of Chicago got a new leader – White Sox Zah.
Dennis Rodman came by the office. Frankie had a surreal interaction with his assistant. Rodman’s assistant arrived before him. He walked off the elevator, handed Frankie his coat, and asked him to put it somewhere.
Frankie then walked around the office for 15 minutes trying to find somewhere to put it. We don’t have coat closets or hangers anywhere. So he just kept it in his hand, unsure of what to do. He ultimately just put it on a recliner. Really tough situation, not sure I would have handled it differently.
Meanwhile, Marty Mush was battling PETA.
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He admitted on The Rundown that he used to get the bird’s wings clipped. PETA was none too pleased with that.
Here’s a great “Gotcha!” moment to wrap up the day. After work, I was walking to the train station. A couple blocks from the office, I saw Kmarko with a Barstool winter hat on. He was looking down at his phone. I went over to him and said “Viva!” He started to look up and say “Hey what’s up man”, thinking I was a Stoolie, only to realize it was me doing a classic gag. I’m such a prankster!
Thursday 2/21
Everyone woke up to some very big news on Barstool’s podcast dominance.
That meant celebratory blogs and more importantly, free Chick-Fil-A.
Ken Jeong was in the office for KFC Radio. It was as starstruck as I’ve been by an office guest in a long time. Leslie Chow is one of the most iconic movie characters for guys my age with all his quotes. He was waiting to go in the bathroom when KFC said something to him to make him laugh. It was the exact laugh he did in “The Hangover” before delivering his “It’s funny because he’s fat.”
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On radio, it was a big day for The Smokes Tree (™). Dave wanted to do radio with Fordham Pussy Patrol so we were joined by Spider and JackMac.
Friday 2/22
Unlike last week, this would not be a calm Friday at HQ. The Robert Kraft Tug Rule story broke, and it was all hands on deck.
It united many guys in the office.
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Later, I was walking back from lunch when I saw TylerIAm and Ebony walking on the street. I yelled out “Viva!” to do my classic joke. There was apparently a Stoolie a little behind them. He did not see Tyler or Ebony. So he just kind of looked at me confused and said, “Uh, hey Tommy…” So if that person is reading this, I do not just walk around Manhattan randomly yelling “Viva!” I only do it when I see a coworker. Hope that clarifies the situation.
The day wrapped up with another appearance from the Fordham Pussy Patrol on Barstool Radio and then we called it a week.
Eventful week around these parts. Enjoy your weekend everyone, and let’s get at ‘em again on Monday!