Casting The Ultimate 80's Wrestling Movie

With this big casting news, I couldn’t help but wonder who EYE would cast in an 80’s wrestling movie. I’m pretty good with actors and movies, but I’m definitely not the world’s biggest wrestling superfan. So, I decided to bring in the actual biggest superfan, Robbie Fox, to grade my selections. By the way, in this hypothetical there is an infinite budget to work with.

Randy Savage: Dave Bautista (Guardians of the Galaxy, Blade Runner 2049)

Robbie: B - Alright, hear me out on this one. It may look bizarre at first, picturing Drax as Randy Savage, but he’s proven time and time again now that he’s got some serious acting chops, and coming from the professional wrestling world will give Big Dave a respect for this role like no other. I honestly think he could pull this off. Plus, he’s sorta balding on top now, and I could totally see him rockin’ that classic 80’s skullet.

Roddy Piper: Gerard Butler (300, Olympus has Fallen)

Robbie: A – This is pretty fuckin’ awesome casting by KenJac I never would’ve seen coming, kilt and all. I can totally picture Bulter nailing Roddy’s smug ass attitude. Solid all aronud.

Bret Hart: David O’Hara (The Departed, Braveheart)

Robbie: A+ – This is why KenJac is the best in the business at casting blogs. Homeboy could leave LCB and go work as a Casting Director in Hollywood tomorrow. Honestly, look at that bitter ass, monotone look on David O’Hara’s face right there. That IS Bret Hart. That’s the whole performance. Hand over the Oscar now.

The Ultimate Warrior: Jake Busey (Starship Troopers, The Predator)

Robbie: B- – I didn’t know Jake Busey was a human being that existed until now. That being said…sure?! KenJac only gets the minus on this one for my lack of knowledge on the actor and protectiveness over my first favorite wrestler ever, The Ultimate Warrior. Any member of the Busey fam could probably turn on a “jet fuel” induced rant at the snap of a finger, though, so I’m not totally doubting that this could work.

Jake The Snake: Jason Statham (The Transporter, Crank)

Robbie: A+ – I like this one as much as Gerard Butler as “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Statham’s gravely, intimidating monologues in B movies have properly prepared him over the years for a terrifying Jake “The Snake” Roberts portrayal…so long as the CGI department works their ass off making him look as gigantic as Jake truly is. Seriously, dude is MASSIVE!

Mr. Perfect: Vincent D’Onofrio (Full Metal Jacket, Daredevil)

Robbie: A – Hahahaha. Look at the lack of neck on Curt Hennig in that picture! That shit is hilarious! With all due respect, of course. This fatface could absolutely pull off a perfect performance with the right amount of spray tan.

Ricky Steamboat: Rick Yune (The Fast and the Furious, Die Another Day)

Robbie: A – I don’t know who this dude is, and his acting credentials aren’t fantastic, but neither are Ricky Steamboat’s. He never was the best promo, so looks are sorta the only thing that matters on this one, and he looks pretty good!

Jesse Ventura: John Travolta (Gotti)

Robbie: C+ – When ‘Gotti’ actor John Travolta is done playing the deranged stalker he’s currently playing in Fred Durst’s new movie, he’ll be welcome in our 80’s movie. Points off for making his face look like a big piece of plastic over the years, though.

Jim Duggan: Kristian Nairn (Game of Thrones)

Robbie: A+ – HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (dor)!

Jimmy Snuka: Dwayne Johnson (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle)

Robbie: C- – Jimmy Snuka murdered a chick. People forget that.

Ted DiBiase: Stephen Root (Dodgeball, Barry)

Robbie: B+ – You’ll have to hit Stephen Root with some of that Michael Douglas ‘Ant-Man’ magic to make him look about 20 years younger, but it works.

The Iron Sheik: Vin Diesel (XxX, The Fate of the Furious)

Robbie: D- – Hilarious. This doesn’t work, at all, but it makes me laugh.

Koko B. Ware: Winston Duke (Black Panther, Us)

Robbie: A+ – I casted this one so I gave it an awesome grade. I love Winston Duke. No doubt in my mind he’d nail it as WWE Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware, who never gets the credit he deserves for having one of the greatest names in human history.

Ric Flair: Will Ferrell (Eastbound and Down, Holmes and Watson)

Robbie: C – These pictures are pretty damaging to my harsh grade, but I don’t know, I feel like Ric Flair just has to be a stunning, billionaire playboy type with charisma oozing out of his pores. More of a Christian Bale/Ryan Gosling type. Sorry KenJac.

The Undertaker: Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (The Mountain) 

Robbie: A - YES! I love this casting. The Mountain is definitely thiccer than Taker ever was, but I think for a movie, you go over the top and make The Deadman as terrifying as you possibly could, and who’s scarier than The Mountain? Nobody. Literally nobody. Take the creative liberty of having Taker squeeze somebody’s head ’til it explodes, too, just completely ignore that wrestling is fake for a scene. Who cares?!

Dusty Rhodes: Paul Walter Hauser (I, Tonya, Blackkklansman)

Robbie: C- – Sure, this guy’s fat, but can he pull off being “The American Dream”?! No way. I don’t know who could, I have no idea, no input, or anything interesting to add, but I just have major doubts about ol’ Paulie here. You almost gotta leave Dusty out of the movie unless you find somebody perfect.

Sgt. Slaughter: Bruce Campbell (The Evil Dead, Burn Notice)

Robbie: B+ – I like this one a lot. At ease, KenJac. At ease.

Rick Rude: Henry Cavill (Man of Steel, Mission Impossible: Fallout)

Robbie: A+++ – Fuck. Yes. Ravishing Kal El. Did KenJac only cast Henry Cavill as the hottest wrestler of all time because people say KenJac looks like Cavill? Maybe. Do I care? No. This is fucking perfect. My favorite of the whole bunch.

Big Boss Man: Michael Chiklis (Fantastic Four, The Shield)

Robbie: B – Ah, fuck it. Why not?

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: Matt Ross (Silicon Valley, Captain Fantastic)

Robbie: A – Woah. This one is kinda crazy uncanny, and if Matt Ross packed on a few pounds, he IS Bobby Heenan. Like Dusty Rhodes, though, these are INCREDIBLY big shoes to fill. Gotta nail it, because if you don’t, you disgrace one of the most respected legacies the business has to offer.

Jimmy Hart: Nic Cage

Robbie: B+ – Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No. But yes.

Paul Bearer: Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover, Due Date)

Robbie: A – I originally suggested Josh Gad, and this is a million times better than that. Liiiiiike, a million times better. Fuckin’ Olaf. What was I thinking?

Miss Elizabeth: Kristina Schulman <3<3<3 (The Bachelor, my heart)

Robbie: C+ – I don’t think this works, but I think KenJac might just be trying to get laid with this pick, so respect points on that.

Gordon Solie: Stacy Keach (Hemingway, Gotti)

Robbie: Huh? – We castin’ Gordon Solie in this flick, KenJac?! Ain’t nobody knows who Gordon Solie is!

Vince McMahon: Bobby Flay (Various cooking shows, that dance video)

Robbie: C+ – He looks like him, but Bobby Flay, of ‘Entourage’ fame? Of Ari Gold cucking fame? Put some respek on McMahon’s name, KenJac. C’mon. I suggest Bradley Cooper.

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