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FellateGate: So What Happens Next?

The FellateGate situation is still unfolding and there is already a lot to process here. But I’ve never been prouder of the guys at Barstool HQ for their response. Patriots fans, Patriots haters alike, all brought together in unison by the universal bond shared by all men.  The love of a simple, commitment-free orgasm.

In a divided world, this event is a unifying moment for us all. Be he billionaire business mogul, blogger, radio host or sales guy, the appreciation for getting you nut is the one thing we all have in common.

Already there are camps forming as everyone rushes to judgment on this matter. Some say Mr. Kraft was driven to pay for a handjibber by the hot, dripping audio sex coming out of former sex worker Cardi B at the pre-Super Bowl party:

Some say it’s all part of the Hip Hop lifestyle he’s been living, hanging with the likes of Snoop, Meek Mill, Ludacris and Gucci Mane. Prostitutes have been a much a topic of Rap songs as trucks are in Country music.

There are reports that this is all part of a larger sting that involved sex trafficking. The Sports Hub is suggesting there are surveillance tapes of the owners of the Asian day spa taking workers to private homes. The Instant Hot Take Conspiracy Theories involve him being dimed out by the Dolphins and Colin Kaepernick’s lawyers, for some reason.

Which doesn’t make the men on that list guilty until they’ve had their day in court. Nor does it mean Mr. Kraft’s 7th ring turned out to be a prostitution ring. It just means the situation is … developing.

But let’s say he turns out to be some degree of involved. Say he did do what men have been doing since money was invented eons ago, spending some of it on sex. Just for the sake of argument he pleads sufficient facts, gets the misdemeanor punishment that all men who get caught soliciting prostitutes always get, pays his fine and gets on with his life. Then what?

The closest comparisons we have as far as NFL owners misbehaving are Jerry Jones and his son filling a booze-soaked party bus with hoes and taking the NFL’s Head of Officiating Dean Blandino for a spin.

You might remember that. You might also remember that not a fucking thing ever came of it. It was inappropriate and a gross conflict of interest. But there’s no crime in running your own BangBus so Roger Goodell did and said nothing.

But there’s lots of crime involving Jim Irsay. Not necessarily with his mistress overdosing in the house he bought her with money belonging to the Colts, necessarily. But definitely when he was driving around high as a lab rat with hydrocodone and oxycodone in his system and tens of thousands of dollars in small denominations. For that, Der Commissar declared the Colts wouldn’t be punished because there was no “competitive consequence.”

Commissioner Roger Goodell announced a six-game suspension and a $500,000 fine for the Colts owner. The suspension begins at 5 p.m. ET on Wednesday, four days before Irsay’s team kicks off the regular season. … The $500,000 fine is the maximum fine allowed under NFL rules.

So at least we have something equating a precedent. The Ginger Satan has declared he has the absolute power to mete out any punishment that will bring a smile to his thin lips, no matter how draconian and cruel. But that power extends only to the players and coaches. He lacks whatever Infinity Stone he’d need to punish the owners. His bosses. At whose discretion he serves. He can suspend Mr. Kraft for a little while, and I don’t even understand what that involves with an owner or what the mechanics are, given that he’s just a spectator anyway. And he can fine him a half million dollars, which is probably what the man pulls in just from rent on the Patriots Place retail shops every week.

From a practical standpoint, that means no draft picks or any other such punishments that will hurt the Patriots. (Although Bart Scott just said on The Fan they should lose all of them.) And from an even more practical standpoint, the players, coaches and staff who love Mr. Kraft like a father now have even more incentive to rally around him and win him yet another Lombardi.