As everyone knows, Nike went out of business last night because a sneaker ripped. I thought I’d seen Twitter at its most dramatic but this made the 2016 election look like your run of the mill “governor in blackface” situation, I mean everyone was prophesying the downfall of one of the largest companies in the world. Rovell had a heart attack, folks were screaming to sell, and kids across the country threw their Nikes in the trash like they were a middle-aged, midwestern man who just watched Colin Kaepernick take a knee. It was pure chaos because we all know that everyone in a Foot Locker today is looking at a pair of Hyperdunks and thinking, “Well no way I can buy these now, a 300 pound elite athlete broke one recently and I will surely suffer the same fate.”
However, what happened to Zion Williamson last night while playing in front of a former president on national television pales in comparison to Nikes past fuckups. Of course, I’m referring to Eliud Kipchoge at the 2015 Berlin Marathon when his insoles inexplicably slipped out of his shoes and he fell short of breaking a world record. I’m sorry for insulting your intelligence and thinking you wouldn’t know what incident I was talking about, because none of us could forget that day. None of us can see a swoosh without thinking of Eliud Kipchoge running down the street looking more ridiculous than he would if he’d pooped his pants mid-marathon.
But you know what? Nike somehow survived that, so I think they’ll survive this. If they made it past the great Kipchogeying trend of 2015 when kids posted pictures with their insoles flapping in the wind, captioning it “Boy do I look like a fuckin’ asshole and I’m not even gonna stop to fix them, thanks Nike!” then Nike will be just fine after this.