Big week for you commenters, as El Jefe Dave Portnoy called you out on Barstool Boston as the single stupidest group of interactive Stoolies. He ranked you 3rd out of commenters, facebook fans, and twitter followers. His ranking was correct, by the way. Twitter followers are by far the most normal interactive Stoolies. Facebook fans don’t even count anymore since facebook is basically dead. And then bringing up the rear are the Barstool commenters, who may be the single most delusional sect of people on the planet earth. The amount of comments on that blog from you guys saying how you think that commenters drive pageviews and traffic was borderline scary. I love some of you clowns, obviously I’m trying to show you some props with this weekly post, but thats probably the most absurd claim I’ve ever heard. Ordinarily I’d say you were just trolling or joking but I actually think there are Stoolies out there that think Barstool’s traffic is dependent upon 100 guys who comment. About a hundred guys on a website that sees like 5 million readers – I don’t think thats make or break, fellas.
Anyway lets get on to the comments of the week:
5. Blog: Guess That Ass – Charlie Sweets.
Commenter: TheCheat - “Midas whale beat off.” – Midas Whale, from the Definitive List of Stupid People On Twitter, is one of my favorite phrases ever. TheCheat was the first guy to casually drop it in a GTA after I ran that blog. Perfect.
4. Special Entry from Barstool Boston – Blog: Lawrence Academy Stoolie Makes Emotional Dunk. Commenter: MadBull - “So sick of these lets cheer for the retard videos.” The most “down voted” comment in the history of Barstool. 101 thumbs down. To be perfectly honest, I made the same exact comment to Kmarko, but about a different retarded-sports-kid story. I’m with Madbull. Every other day theres some kid with a disease doing something to get on Sportscenter. If they’re all special none of them are special.
3. Blog: Get A Load Of Twyla, The Domestic Goddess On Jeopardy Tonight. Commenter – Amico0215: “she looks like a rubber glove full of oatmeal.” This is why that dude 708, Twlya’s nephew, wanted to defend her honor. I said she looked like someone switched her thighs with her arms. Amico said she looked like a rubber glove full of oatmeal. I’m always looking for new ways to call women fat. Rubber glove/oatmeal is just that.
2. Top 3 comments from Girls Gone Wild Files For Bankruptcy, because there was a lot of emotions and memories flying with this one:
3) Commenter: MilesDavis – “I remember downloading GGW on limewire and it would take 2-3 days to complete. The anticipation was enough to drive lessor men mad. My day was certainly brighter upon seeing it finished when I would return home from school. RIP GGW.” Ahhhh, Limewire. I was old enough that I stared with Napster. Goddam those were special times. Letting porn download on Limewire was like letting meat marinate and slow-cook in a crockpot. Took forever but when it was done it was glorious and delicious.
2) Commenter: brucewaynegretzky – “Was there anything better than having a day off from school when your parents worked? I would start the Limewire downloads the night before and wake up to a plethora of virus-causing porn.
PS I know I’m not the only one who used to love the German orgy in the school gym” I never had a day off alone where I just punished my dick like some perverted porn addict latchkey kid. But I do know the exact orgy you’re speaking of.
1.) Commenter: ElCapitan – “one time in middle school i was on my dads laptop…clicked on my documents>temp int files>downloads> then there was 5 full GGW illegally downloaded vids. used to sprint to his comp every time he left the house” Temporary. Fucking. Internet. Files. Theres a blast from the past I had forgotten about. Gotta clear the internet browsing history but if you needed to fully cover your tracks on the family computer, had to delete the temporary interent files.
#1 comment of the week:
Blog: Definitive List Of Stupid People On Twitter. Commenter: toolazytobeclever – “Definitive list of stupid people on twitter
2) all other black people
When you’re right, you’re right. Black folks make twitter 800x more entertaining.
PS – Nothing funnier than commenters making fun of twitter. The guys who make up a name and spend their days writing brief comments on the internet bashing people who use twitter. Yea, that makes sense. Your entire lives from 9-5 Monday through Friday is basically twitter, just on Barstool.
See you next week, retards!
I always miss a couple. Heres some more gems:
Blog: Get A Load Of Twyla, The Domestic Goddess On Jeopardy Tonight. Commenter: Sluts4Nuts - “i hope she won, so tomorrow she can tell us about her most prized possession; han solo encased in carbonite” The nerd in me appreciates a Star Wars Jaba The Hut reference. The average white male living in a glass house appreciates making fun of a fat woman. Put those together, commenter cold.
Blog: Pope Retires To A Life of Banging His Butler Boyfriend Gorgeous George. Commenter: BukkakeSurprise – “Christ, I would kill to have Gorgeous Georg here right now, rubbing my shoulders and dazzling me with those blue eyes.” It’s no surprise a guy by the name of BukkakeSuprise gets it. Dude just understands how sweet of a set up Pope has with this Gorgeous Georg set up. By the by, his name is pronounced “gay-org” in case this whole set up wasn’t gay enough for you.