Buzzfeed News – If you’ve come across Blippi, the wildly popular YouTube kids entertainer, you might dismiss him as an eccentric 30-year-old man in an orange bow tie and bright orange glasses, a guy in a blue and orange cap who dances wildly and speaks in a cloying, over-enunciated voice for kids on the internet. But to 3-year-olds, Blippi is the Greatest Fucking Thing They Have Ever Seen, and they will cry and beg to see more of Blippi’s adventures with tractors and fire trucks. It’s this raw kinder-fervor Blippi cultivates among his fans that has grown his YouTube channel to 3.5 million subscribers. Blippi’s real name is Stevin John, and before he began performing as a twee, 21st-century clown, he was a filmmaker in LA. He created comedy videos under the moniker “Steezy Grossman” (he changed his name legally from Stephen J. Grossman to Stevin John) including low-budget, low-brow comedy videos with titles like “Turdboy” and “Underwear Man.” And Blippi is hardly John’s first brush with internet fame. In a hard R–rated twist, in a 2013 video that BuzzFeed News has viewed, Stevin “Blippi” John takes an explosive diarrhea shit on his nude friend’s ass in a truly shocking rendition of the “Harlem Shake” meme. “Yes, I did make a gross-out comedy video when I was in my early twenties, long before I started Blippi,” John said in a statement to BuzzFeed News.
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So last week we found out Blippi once shit on his friends ass. Wow. What a world. Prior to being a children’s youtube star he tried to go viral with a poop video. Not just any poop video. Not pooping into a toilet. Not on to the floor. Not even some 2 Girls 1 Cup shit where he poops in someones mouth. Blippi went Ass to Ass with it. Just shit all over his friends butt. Real, not real, who knows. Since we havent seen the video we dont know how gross or real or horrendous it looked. All we know is that Blippi once shit on his friend’s ass for clicks.
What a turn of events. So much to learn about, it’ll make you wanna shout, BLIPPI…ONCE SHIT ON HIS FRIEND FOR INTERNET EXPOSURE!! Now I suppose we’re at a crossroads as parents. What are we to do? Shea watches Blippi until her eyeballs bleed. Its either an Asian kid screaming at me “YELLOW CULLAH YELLOW CULLAH WHERE AH YOU?” or Blippi. Those 2 things on an iPad have saved me hours upon hours upon hours as a father. Add it all up and I think she’s probably watched like 40 days of Youtube. But now I have to ask myself…can I really trust Blippi? Should I let my kids watch Blippi? After all, he shit in his friend’s ass. How can you trust your child’s developmental brain in the hands of someone who shit in his friend’s butt? How can you justify that? How can you reconcile that?
The answer is I dont fucking know and I dont fucking care. Blippi’s weird ass is a fucking Godsend. He’s magic. He’ll calm the worst of tantrums. He’ll occupy the most hyperactive of children. What Steezy Grossman did is none of my concern. All I know is Blippi is the GOAT. Its almost like WWF wrestlers changing gimmicks. Nobody cares that Stone Cold was once Stunning Steve Austin or “The Ringmaster.” They only care that he was maybe the greatest of all time as Austin 3:16 gassing beers and Stunning motherfuckers left and right. Nobody cares that Kane was a fucking dentist named “Issac Yankem, DDS.” We just care that he was Undertakers brother who he threw in a fire as a kid. Just like nobody cares that Blippi once shit everywhere on camera. I care that he puts on a stupid fucking hat and those dumb fake glasses and an idiotic costume and he keeps my kid occupied as long as the iPad is charged. Thats literally all that matters. I’ll let them watch Blippi no matter what the goddam accusations are, as long as they are staying still and quiet. Shit, I might let her watch the actual Steezy Grossman video, as long as it gets the job done.
Plus lets be honest, all these Youtube videos are poisoning our kids brains whether or not the stars pooped in their friend’s butts or not. You go down the rabbit hole of “Play Next…Play next…Play next” on Youtube and you end up into some weird shit. No doubt in my mind my kid has been brainwashed into some sort of Satanic Cult or a Terror Cell. All subliminal messaging and shit like that. The images, the music, the messages, all that shit is probably turning them into an army for Al Qaeda or something. One day they are gonna just flip a switch and activate some brain control laying dormant inside the minds of all the children with lazy parents and then we’re all fucked. But until that day, at least I’ll be able to watch TV and eat in peace. Here’s your iPad, daughter.
PS – Honestly anybody who didnt know Blippi was into some weird shit from Jump Street is just an idiot. I mean look at that dude. Look at what he does for a living. Look at the track record of guys like him. Pee Wee Herman. Blues Clues Dude. They are all misfits. We’re lucky all he was doing was pooping in butts.